#in theory i could draw backgrounds. in practice however

[crimsonhydrangeavn]

Hey there! I'm here to simp for Garret, as usual, but I have another reason to gush today—I absolutely adore your drawing style! Whether it's the colors, the character designs, or the scenes, I just love it all. One of my favorite things, though, has to be the characters' facial expressions—they are all just beautiful!

Marcelo's surprised face? Perfect. Rita's blushing cheeks? Adorable. Camilla's entire design? Has a special place in my heart. And don't even get me started on Teagan's smile—it's so cute, it's almost unfair. But, of course, my ultimate favorite is Garret. I can't handle it when he furrows his eyebrows, whether he's pissed off or has that smug look like he's just hit the jackpot. It's all just so perfect!

Anyway, I do have a question for you—do you have any tips for creating character designs? I feel like the way your characters look perfectly matches the vibe they give off, and I'm starting to work on my own visual novel, but I'm having a hard time nailing down the character designs and I felt I could find good advice from you.

Additionally, I apologize in advance for all the fangirling and for my poor English. I hope nothing I said came across as rude or inconvenient, truly 🙏.

Thanks so much, and I hope you have a fantastic day! ❤🌻

Thank you so much for your incredibly sweet ask! Please, please, please NEVER apologize for gushing about characters for fangirling over them! It always brings a massive smile to my face and I really appreciate hearing how much you enjoy them! <3 I'm incredibly flattered that you reached out to me for advice on character creation and I'll do my best to share my process with you! Granted there are a million different ways to do things so these are just a few things that I've found that helps me in the creation process.

I'll give you a little background about me and my character/story creation journey so you can get a better understanding of my background in writing/character development.

You see I've been a huge fan of text roleplay for the majority of my life. I actually started roleplaying on gaiaonline when I was 12 and I've been doing it ever since. ( Almost 20 years at this point! damn am I old lol) As a result I've had a lot of practice creating and interacting with different kinds of characters in different settings. I've also been playing DnD on and off since high school. That being said, I've had time to refine my craft and create characters that I personally really enjoy and align with to some degree. ( And hopefully you do too!)

That being said, I'll list a few tips and tricks I've picked up over the years below!

Anatomy is key! Yes, my characters are stylized, however I spent a long time studying anatomy and getting a solid sense of proportions, ratios, and musculature. Am I perfect? Absolutely not, but I'm at the point that I can usually notice if there's a glaring error/ something looks really off.

Make sure to put all of the characters in a line up once they're designed! Are their heads the same size? What about their hands and feet? Some slight variations are natural, but if one character's head is noticeably larger than the others, then I'd take the time to adjust. The same could be said for colors. Is one character SUPER saturated while the others are more muted? Unless they're supposed to stand out, consider reworking the colors to make them feel a bit more cohesive.

A basic understanding of color theory is always a bonus in my book! I'd also consider making a general color palette for your game. That way it'll help you make sure everything looks and feels as though it's in the same world.

When I first create a character, I try to think of a general concept of what I want them to be. What's their general vibe? What do they look like? What's their personality like? Ect. Once I have a general vibe down, I try and do a bit of visual research on tiktok, pinterest, tumblr, google, ect. For example, I might have a general idea of what a typical frat bro or sorority girl looks like, but until I actually do the research and look into the kinds of things they wear, how they speak, and their general lifestyle, and real life examples of these kinds of people they'll feel like a flat caricatures of what they actually are.

Then, once I have the general vibe nailed down I start doodling them and playing around with different hairstyles, outfits, body types, ect. I actually have a few different different versions of all of the characters for Crimson Hydrangea! I rarely end up going with my first sketch/ concept when it comes to most of my characters. I also like exploring with different skin tones, colors, and textures/designs.

It takes a lot of thought and trail and error, but once I finally create a character that I'm visually happy with, I really start delving into their personality, backstories, and general psyche. What are their likes, dislikes, positive traits, and flaws? What are their motivations, fears, and traumas? How self aware are they? Then I start asking myself slightly more introspective questions to help me relate to the characters a bit more. What about this character resonates with me? How can I make this character feel more real? What are some traits that we share? For example, Garret inherited my unhealthy perfectionism, Marcelo inherited my love of food and desire to make sure those around me are happy and comfortable, Camilla inherited my sarcastic sense of humor, Rita inherited my unyielding sense of responsibility and unhealthy work-a-holic tendencies, and Teagan inherited my deep rooted insecurities. Granted most of these characters take it to a completely new level than I do in my real life, but at least on a basic level I can relate to them and understand their motivations. That being said, I don't think all of your characters need to inherit a specific trait of yours, it's just something I recently realized I tend to do on a subconscious level to help me write them with a bit more depth.

Let your characters develop a life of their own within your story. It's okay if they end up changing from your initial concept. People in real life are complex and don't always fit into a specific mold no matter how hard they try. They grow and change over time, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. Do what feels right for the story you're trying to tell. For example, Garret was originally supposed to be more calculated and methodical. Marcelo was originally supposed to be a lot more laid back and go with the flow. However when I actually started writing them in specific scenarios I realized that they're far more complex than a simplified list of traits. Flaws and weaknesses make them feel so much more real than a "perfect" gary/mary stu.

When it comes to facial expressions, I usually have a small mirror on my desk to observe and reference specific expressions I'm trying to convey. In addition to using the mirror as a reference point, I also tend to make whatever face I'm drawing as I'm drawing it. It's a little silly, but I find it really helpful feeling my facial muscles recreate the same expression. It helps me figure out what the brows, eyes, and mouth are doing at the same time. It's gotten to the point of doing it subconsciously whenever I work/animate/draw. (Fortunately I usually work from home so no one has to see my weird expressions lol)

I think the final and most important tip you should take to heart is to create characters you genuinely enjoy. It'll also help you stay motivated to keep writing them and developing the story, especially early on in the creation process.

Hopefully you found my rambling helpful! It ended up being a bit more of a brain dump than I originally intended haha. That being said, I'd love to see what kind of characters and game you end up creating in the future! <3

[brehaaorgana]

Sorry my reply will probably just be too long for a comment lol @itspeepytime

Basically I think like — yes, I agree basic art classes should teach the love of creation and the practice of just creating and such.

However, I would not frame something like "teaching the basic science of art mediums and pigments, or color theory" to be "rules" per se. Fundamentals of the skill, yes. Rules? No. These are tools. If you know your tools, you can use them to do all kinds of conventional and unconventional things, but you also know what is not physically possible.

Example:

I will never get green if I mix magenta and cyan. That's not a creativity-limiting rule, that's just a fundamental fact of color mixing. A limiting rule is "leaves should be painted green."

That's a limiting rule. It's a limit on how to paint leaves. How to approach something.

But "magenta and cyan don't make green," is a fundamental. They make purple. You can't change that fact.

You can, however, paint leaves using purple, dark blue, or red.

We admire Monet and the impressionists for their use of light and color, which may have gone against conventions of the time — but they all deeply cared about the fundamental science of light and color. And they were studying it and using fundamentals.

It's great to teach intro students how to enjoy making art, but it's not limiting to help them understand the tools they have at their disposal in orded to make art. "PB15 is a transparent pigment called phthalo blue" isn't a stifling rule, it's a fact. Likewise if I tell you the mass tone of pb15 is incredibly dark, meaning you reach maximum chroma with some dilution/mixing (regardless of the medium), that doesn't stifle creative choices, it just explains what the tool you're using does.

So I'm never surprised by how phthalo blue is going to mix in any given color mixing experiment because I know the mass tone is darker than the maximum chroma I can reach, and I know it's a transparent pigment so it will mix and layer differently from an opaque pigment.

It's like - when I was a TA for an intro art history course, I had some stem students who were taking the class for a gen ed, and they panicked at first because we didn't really spend any time teaching art fundamentals the textbook briefly introduces. So they had no foundation for what they were trying to do or the tools we had for talking about art history. They came to my office hours and I was like "okay let's back up. Before you try to figure out like, meaning of a painting or history, let's just figure out how composition works and how I know what it is, because that's a good building block."

And then I brought print outs of various paintings and starting drawing over them to show them how composition worked and what I was identifying, before having them try it too. Like foreground, mid ground, background. That's a fundamental. Triangular compositions. Rule of thirds. Stuff that helped them see how creativity works with tools, and isn't just all abstract feelings and pure whimsical talent or something. And then I said "great so now you know how we figure this part out, so what's the focus of the painting? What is the artist focusing on? Is there somewhere the composition is emphasizing, or downplaying? And why might that be done?"

Suddenly it was less terrifying to learn art history for them, because it had structures and a logic and tools you could learn, rather than being about innate creativity or artistry.

I had to give them a fundamental building block.

I can tell anyone "draw a person standing under a tree," but if they're like "well all I can do is this-"

There are tools I can give them to understand how someone achieves something else! I feel like an overemphasis on "there all no rules, and I just want you to enjoy it" can be just as much of a problem as an overemphasis on too many strict conventions! Especially since so many people (non-art majors) are intimidated by the idea that they "can't" do great art because they simply don't have the "talent" needed when they just "do" it. They get frustrated and don't understand why they can't see improvement.

An extreme either way is bad, but I think lately it's swung sooo far in favor of "art has no rules, so fundamentals are limiting." that it's kinda bad, because even the art majors aren't learning some basic things.

[valkyriellis]

Your art is super satisfying to look at. The way you simplify form into shape and chisel details into life (especially the face and folds) is very 'crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside.' I especially admire the different values—The almost black graphite lines and shadows are my favorite haha.

How long have you been studying art? What do you think of and prioritize when drawing a picture? Is there anything you find especially challenging to draw?

(Sorry for the rant your art is just like super cool to me.)

Wow, thank you so much!! I love the way you described it haha, and I love these questions! They're some real thinkers... Sorry in advance for my response-rant because you really got me reflecting on some things lol

I've been drawing since I could pick up a pencil, but taking art seriously through classes and commissions and all that started at about 11/12 years old. (I'm 23) I honestly don't know what anybody saw in my art at that age but I can certainly say the few that encouraged me that early are the reason I'm still at it today!

I mean this in the least pretentious way possible, but I've noticed that when I draw I kind of enter like a "trance" state and barely even realize what I'm doing until it's over. I can't say that I'm thinking, focusing, or prioritizing anything, really! When I do start a piece with the explicit goal of *practicing* however, the focus/priorities change depending on what I'm trying to improve. It's probably obvious looking at my art, but I love the look of sharp angles and heavy contrast. My fav part of drawing is the delicate balancing of values. If that's helpful at all

For what I find to be challenging in art- two things. Inorganic shapes, and color. Starting with color, it's not enjoyable for me to use color in art and I therefore find it difficult to use effectively. It goes beyond just my art actually! I don't hate ALL color by any means, but I just truly do not identify with it. Clothes, accessories, home decor, the personalization of my phone case and the home screens of all my devices are all in grayscale, but I'm totally into it my partner wears the rainbow, for example. I could dig into why I think this is, but it'd all be theory. I am well aware of the power color holds in the perception and final product when it comes to art and sometimes wish I could harness that, but it's like it causes me psychic damage to use it lmao. And with inorganic shapes idk it's like a whole different ballpark to me. Buildings and cars are hell lol but flowers trees animals and people rock! You probably won't ever see me draw the former it's genuinely embarrassing haha.

Oh, and backgrounds. Fuck backgrounds all my homies hate backgrounds.

That was a LOT of yapping... Thanks for the questions and I hope I didn't bore you!!

[lara-kaminari]

Excerpt from chapter 11 of: "The serpent and his forbidden fruit".

Or, the first time Ominis and Catalina almost kiss.

—Tell me something else. —Ominis proposed. —Read my fortune in love.

—Love?

—So I'll know if your predictions are true.

—My word alone is not enough?

Ominis smiled mischievously and offered me his hand again. This time I would not take him seriously. I began to trace circles on his palm with my finger, just playing a little.

—I need clarity on what you want to know. —I said, lowering the volume of my voice.

—Can't you just know? —Ominis asked, pulling his body closer to me. Not that it was necessary, we were already very close and in the library there was only silence; his voice had that hypnotic teasing tone I liked to hear.

I resume my reading, letting my fingers glide gracefully. As I moved on, I heard his breathing become more ragged: my nearness seemed to affect him in a way I hadn't anticipated.

—Maybe; maybe I do see something: a woman.

Ominis' eyelashes are long, the perfect complement to her opal eyes. Her face is so close to mine that I can now see it in detail.

—And is she beautiful?

—Does it matter?

—I'm just curious.

—I'm afraid that's just up to your interpretation.

—Something tells me you're out of practice. —Ominis said; in a clever move he was now holding my hand. I was so distracted that it was easy for him to turn the tables. —I'll show you how to read a love prediction.

—You can't see.

—I know how to use my hands to feel everything.

Merlin.

Ominis ducked his head as if he could really look. However, the trace of his fingers on my palm made it clear that he could perceive every little line as if it were Braille. In a few seconds I found myself as much into his prediction as he was into mine.

—I see here... A path full of possibilities, it looks like a bright and exciting future awaits you.

His voice was soft, almost a whisper, as if he were sharing an intimate secret. I gasped for a moment, surprised by the sudden proximity and the suggestive tone in his voice.

—What else do you see?

—In the theory of physics it is announced that even small objects can make big changes; a woman like you, small and delicate as a wildflower, you strongly attract those around you and make them fall for no reason. —Said Ominis. —You attract just like the myth of the Adam's apple, and the first one to taste of the forbidden fruit will open a door you had closed: Your chance to love.

His words faded to a whisper, and for a moment, time seemed to stand still as he allowed the gravity exerted by the earth to merge me with him. An electric current passed between us, charged with a palpable tension that neither of us could ignore.

I closed my eyes, opened my arms to whatever that physical force had for me and my lips began to tingle at the shock that was now inevitable.

Surprise! It's a fanart 😈 I mean, I did it hehe. That background is NOT mine, I'm not that far along 🤣 I had to google "big window good lighting" and that's what came up ahshzhs BUT everything else is mine ;).

I still don't understand about outlining and shadows, and I have to draw on a sheet of paper first and then upload it to the computer and follow the lines but hey, it's a cool result.

[pavutynko]

hi!! I've seen ur art since a time now, and I think it's amazing! do u have any tips or reference pics to do ur spiderverse oc ♡

Greetings! Since time i haven't checked the ask box so i really apologize for not answering in time.. and quite late, i suppose it have been half-year? Or few months idk

Anyway, spiderverse oc, tips or reference pics.. i suppose you're asking me how to make your own oc (if I'm wrong, please correct me, I'll reply on that too if still interested!)

So, let's just say, spideroc is a journey, you don't have to make perfect design from first try (believe me i tried). It's works for all oc's but yeah, keep in mind that you can change over time and so the oc's design

Spideroc's abilities and costume can be practical AND/OR can be absurd. C'mon, we know about hammerspace and Hobie's hair in mask. It depends on character i suppose but sometimes you can put logic aside and make it as their dimension's thing

Don't be afraid making their abilities unique, adding extra arms, webs. But don't forget about weaknesses, they're making character more believable. It can be physical, emotional, psychological or any other type, the main thing is to give them wings but don't let fly too close to the sun (that' makes sense in my head)

I didn't count so I'll say its 4 tip. I feel like every spiderperson you can draw as silliest as can and still they be recognisable. I think that's the best design choice. You could see which details are too much and change them

Don't forget the story of character, their suit or looks depend on their personality and lifestyle. Plus dimension style (WHICH I LOVE), you can add them uniqueness by drawing them in different style than others. (Imagine their introduction style, their comics, got it? Then create it!

Plus, lets say, the canon events are indeed important but not like you really have to make all of them, few? Yeah. Since we don't really know if that's the real thing i suppose those spiderppl who has canon events that aren't canon enough just don't get into spidersociety (just a theory). So you can play around it too. But if you want opposite, full spidersociety member then maybe make canon events more canonlike (actually fuck the rules, make it however you like, i won't tell Miguel)

Extra tips which i thing someone needs (like i needed too). Don't be afraid of making kid, adult, old spiderperson, there's a lot of field for creativity too, or make young spiderperson, that's also interesting, just remember better not set boundaries where THERE'S A WHOLE SPIDERVERSE OF SPIDERMAN VERSIONS and they can be really REALLY different (Just look at background characters from atsv and you'll get what i mean). Also body types or even creature variations, do an alien spideroc and that will be amazing

Bonus thing i saw lots of spideroc authors made is designed their villain AND GODDAYMN THAT'S SO AMAZING I REALLY WANT TO DO THAT TOO (even though Mayo's dimension doesn't play any role in main story i present BUT C'MON). Do that too if you can, if not, just keep in mind your villains can be unique and can be more to canon.

About partners of Spiderman.. play around! Ship with original character, with person from other dimensions, with spiderperson, with canon spiderperson. Just c'mon, DO IT, if it fuels you then DO IT SHARE IT AND WE'LL EAT IT. Enjoy your time being in spiderverse fandom (but keep it legal, okay? No proships, got it? I'm watching you)

And last and not least as i said, play around, fuck the boundaries and rules if needed, or if needed make them tough, give your oc struggles and desires, needs and mistakes. Just keep moving, just keep going! Have fun!

(you can use it for creating oc too but you see i concentrate more in spideroc)

[digitalrevolutions]

Being, Thinking, and Knowing in a Hypertext Age

The speculative rhetorical model posits that we can only know the world in ways bounded and contextualized by our own experience of being. For this reason, a speculative rhetoric approach tries to pay careful attention to the perspectives, roles, and experiences of nonhumans, since communication inevitably takes place among a vast array of nonhuman actants. Speculative rhetorician Andrew Reid asserts that “A speculative rhetoric begins with recognizing that language is nonhuman.” At first, I couldn’t begin to imagine what this must mean. Sure, animals communicate, but surely language—expressive, symbolic communication with defined rules—must be an exclusively human phenomenon.

I read Reid’s short list of scholars cited (Alexander Galloway, Richard Grusin, Bruno Latour, Alan Lui, and Quentin Meillasoux) aloud to GPT-4 and asked it to tell me what they were known for, in hopes that knowing the background Reid was drawing from would help me contextualize such a bizarre statement.

It confirmed that Bruno Latour is best known for actor-network theory, as I had thought. Meillasoux it introduced as a speculative realist philosopher. Lui it defined as a scholar of “language as a digital-cultural phenomenon, influenced by both human creativity and digital technology.” Grusin, it said, was known for proposing that new technologies “remediate” and refashion older ones. Galloway, it said, “explores how digital protocols, the rules and standards governing digital networks, shape interactions and communications.” A quick look at Google Scholar and the scholars’ university webpages confirmed that its characterizations were fairly accurate.

Altogether, I could only conclude that these scholars affirm language as a constructed, constantly evolving phenomenon, although I still couldn’t see how the ability to influence human actions would equate to an equal ownership of language. It may be old-fashioned, but at present I’m still prepared to embrace Kenneth Burke’s definition of man as “the symbol-using animal.” As far as I know, there’s no evidence that animals can grasp the abstract symbolism inherent in language as well as we can.

However, I do think Gunther Kress’s “Multimodality” afforded me with another avenue for making sense of Reid’s perspective, at least. Kress asserts that “all texts are multimodal”, where ‘text’ seems to be doing a great deal of heavy lifting to encompass practically anything into which meaning can be encoded and decoded. For him, the multimodality of verbal speech arises from its inclusion of “pitch variation; pace; stress; phonological units (produced by a complex of organs); lexis; sequencing (as syntax); etc.” In other words, any element which can have a role in imparting meaning is part of the mode (or means) of linguistic communication. Since some animals can intentionally adapt these facets of communication to a rhetorical context (i.e. cats having a less babyish meow around one another than humans), I can see the argument that many animals possess a kind of language in that way.

But since Kress’s many example pictures and diagrams stress the representational quality of human languages (in which he apparently includes visuals, which he says can develop a kind of grammar) even when it’s completely divorced from written or spoken words, I’m still inclined to say that animals have communicative skills but not language. I’m curious whether anyone knows of any animals capable of abstraction.

Similarly, I wonder at what point we could consider the product of generative AI to be language (or perhaps I should say a form of communication, period). There’s no conscious intent behind it, it’s an actant and not an actor, but it arguably works entirely in abstractions (it doesn’t have meaningful, individual experience of what anything is!) and it certainly considers its modal elements, as many generative AI models will show by displaying alternate response options.

[meg-literacy]

Week 2: 8/28 - 9/1

Towards an Educationally Relevant Theory of Literacy Learning: Twenty Years of Inquiry

Big Takeaway: The use of authentic literacy experiences is extremely important when it comes to helping children learn literacy.

Nugget: While there are many important pieces needed in getting children to become literate, engaging them is the key.

Building a Literacy Community: The Role of Literacy and Social Practice in Early Childhood Programs

Big Takeaway: A child will become more literate if they are allowed to interact with texts in multiple ways (drawing, talking, etc.) with multiple people (parents, teachers, peers, etc.).

Nugget: Asking children “What do you think?” allows them to make the decision and use their own reasoning to evaluate tasks.

Readerly Habit: Explore relationships with other people through reading by using texts as a shared experience with another person/other people or to gain insight into the perspective of another person

Task: Provide an interpretation of the assigned reading through the lens of another class you’ve taken

Response: This was a relatively simple process for me to go through. Initially, I did not know what task I wanted to do, but while reading the article by Brian Cambourne, I could not help but notice the similarities besides the things he was writing and the material we learned in many of my TESOL classes. So I decided to reread the article through the lens of EDUC 311, and provide an interpretation for this readerly exploration. I wrote my interpretation and skimmed through the article looking for the key pieces I wanted to talk about. Something I found a little difficult was making sure to note the differences between ELLs and children. This was hard because ELLs can be children, so what would make the literary skill development different besides the fact that ELLs are behind in developing these skills. However, as I continued writing, this was not something that heavily impacted me because they still fit the criteria, and need the literacy skills. In fact, they probably prove the point even further because they are both children learning literacy skills and ELLs becoming literate in English. Writing this interpretation deepened my understanding of the course content, because it activated my background knowledge on this subject. I felt more engaged with the article once I realized how easily it could relate to a subject I already have a lot of knowledge on. Honestly, this was a good introduction to the course because I now feel more comfortable and more prepared to take on the course content throughout the semester.

This is the interpretation that I wrote. Overall, it was something I found easy to do because ELLs and children are both learning English literacy, so the article was very applicable to both.

[design303progress]

Week 7

This week, I aimed to complete one clay hair clip to test my technique, the paint, and the Mod Podge so that it would help me refine my design/technique and let me know where to go.

The experience: I had already painted the base colour the previous week, so I started sketching with a pencil what I wanted to draw on my clay piece; I took the design I sketched up a couple of weeks ago. I used fine brushes and acrylic paint, and I started with the base layer of white for the ‘glass’ as I decided on doing a martini drink. I then went on to do a light green colour for the drink and finalised it with a couple of olives.

I then went back into the background colour and cleaned up as I had gotten the other colours onto the background and wanted to make the glass stem skinner. After letting it dry overnight, I put on a couple of layered Mod Podge to give it a glassy look, and I just applied it with a paintbrush. After sculpting, painting and sealing my clay piece – I decided that the best way to test it was at one of my work shifts where I am constantly moving up and down, so bringing it into a real-life setting was a good way to see how it would hold up in practical use.

Reflection on Action: The painting process was definitely the most fun, and what made it easier was sketching the design on the clay with the pencil first. I could easily rub out the design and change parts when I messed up. I found that using smaller brushes was good, but I don’t think I have any that are skinny enough to get the precision that I wanted, and having such a shaky hand made it quite difficult to paint without making mistakes. However, this was easy to change when I went back into the background colour, and I could clean up my mistakes and make my martini look more precise and clean. I had also smudged colours onto the background and found it difficult to avoid this. It was frustrating that my paintbrushes left a clear texture of paint strokes, which I didn’t like as I wanted it to look smoother and professional, but I didn’t know how to avoid this. I’ll look into painting techniques for a smooth application next week. This was also an issue when applying my Mod Podge; it left clear strokes from the paintbrush, which failed to give it a more refined look. I tried to combat this by painting on multiple Mod Podge layers, but the streaky look was still there. When I applied the Mod Podge, I was glad that I left it a whole night to dry as it meant that my paint didn’t smudge when I applied it over; I did a couple of layers and gave it time in between to dry. I found that it gave my piece a lovely glossy finish, which made it look better with the gloss, and the colours popped out, making me very happy to see my piece come together. I found that on my two eight-hour shifts, the clip held up very well; since the clay was so lightweight, it didn’t slip or move at all, even when moving quickly. It stayed secure, and the Mod Podge didn’t clip or wear off. It felt good to wear something related to my job and see something I made be used in an everyday setting. I tried different hairstyles with it. I did a half-fly hair up, which held all my hair up fine, and I also tried a ponytail, which held all my hair, and it lasted the shift fine. I would be curious about how it held up on different hair types, such as curly, thicker hair and thinner hair, to see if it would last as it did on my hair and, in the future, into the following week; this may be something I want to look into.

Theory: This connects closely to design thinking, where prototyping and product testing are crucial. Kolb’s experiential learning cycle which includes four stages:

Concrete Experience

Reflective Observation

Abstract Conceptualisation

Active Experimentation

I moved from active experimentation, wearing the clip at work, to concrete experimentation, seeing how it held up at work. It shows the importance of user testing in product design – even when you are the user. Incorporating feedback into the design process helps improve product design, and I aim to do it not only once in the process but multiple times.

“Learning is the process whereby knowledge is created through the transformation of experience.” -David A. Kolb, 1984.

Plan: Next week, I plan to build on what I’ve learnt from my first clip demo. My goal is to improve my technique in painting and sealing and test how to switch out the clay from the clip with an attachment mechanism. Over the weekend, I plan to create my clay pieces to test the attachments. Roughly paint one of them for when I test the attachments. Mon-Tues: Whilst my clay pieces are drying, I want to research attachment mechanisms that I could use. Wed: Test out one of the attachment mechanisms on my dried clay pieces.

[kkevnguyen]

Background Information on Vrykolakas

Vrykolakas is a creature from Greek folklore, often described as a type of undead being or vampire-like entity. These beings are thought to be restless corpses that rise from the grave to haunt and harm the living. While the concept of the vrykolakas shares similarities with the Western vampire, it has unique traits rooted in Greek culture and Orthodox Christian beliefs.

Origins and Characteristics: The vrykolakas is said to be created when a person dies under unusual or dishonorable circumstances, such as being excommunicated, improperly buried, or cursed. Unlike traditional vampires, vrykolakas are not typically associated with bloodsucking. Instead, they bring harm by spreading disease or suffocating people in their sleep. They are believed to roam during the night but return to their graves during the day.

Appearance: Descriptions of the vrykolakas vary, but they are often depicted as bloated and pale, with a grotesque appearance. Unlike the gaunt Western vampire, the vrykolakas' bloated form reflects the belief that it feasts on the living’s vitality, not their blood.

Methods of Prevention: To prevent a corpse from becoming a vrykolakas, precautions like proper burial rites and the use of religious symbols are taken. In extreme cases, the body might be exhumed, burned, or pierced with a stake to ensure it does not rise from the grave.

Pop Culture/Media References

1. "The Strain" by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan: This book and TV series incorporate elements of the vrykolakas myth. While the creatures are referred to as vampires, their disease-spreading behavior and grotesque appearance bear similarities to the vrykolakas.

2. "Vrykolakas" (Greek Horror Film, 2018): This lesser-known film draws heavily on Greek folklore, portraying the vrykolakas as a tragic figure cursed by societal and religious neglect. It explores themes of grief, guilt, and cultural identity.

3. Dungeons & Dragons: The vrykolakas has inspired various interpretations in role-playing games, including Dungeons & Dragons. In some campaigns, they are presented as undead creatures with unique characteristics that set them apart from typical vampires.

4. "The Vampire Archives" (Anthology): This collection of vampire stories includes references to the vrykolakas myth, highlighting its influence on global vampire lore. The anthology demonstrates how the Greek interpretation adds depth to the vampire archetype.

Analysis and Theories

Rational Explanations: The vrykolakas legend may have roots in pre-modern understandings of death and disease. Before germ theory, diseases that spread quickly and mysteriously were often attributed to supernatural causes. The vrykolakas could symbolize the fear of contagion, especially in tightly knit communities where illness could devastate families.

Cultural and Religious Influences: Orthodox Christian practices emphasize proper burial rites, and failure to adhere to these can create anxiety. The vrykolakas legend reinforces the importance of these rituals and serves as a cautionary tale about the consequences of neglecting religious or social duties.

Psychological Perspective: The vrykolakas may reflect humanity's universal fear of death and the unknown. The idea of a loved one returning as a malevolent force could stem from grief or guilt over unresolved conflicts with the deceased. Additionally, sleep paralysis—a phenomenon where people feel an oppressive presence while unable to move—could explain personal accounts of vrykolakas encounters.

Personal Belief: Do I think the vrykolakas is real? Not in the literal sense. However, as with many folklore creatures, the vrykolakas embodies cultural fears, values, and attempts to explain the inexplicable. It is a powerful metaphor for societal anxieties about death, disease, and moral obligations.

[shingia]

not many people would be willing to be used as a way to prove eren jaeger wrong. but jean kirstein would, as long as he gets something out of it...

CHAPTER 4 : HELPING HAND

↳ jean kirstein x f!reader

↳ series masterlist

↳ cw: swearing, one mention of throwing up, jean being awkward || wc: ~4k (i got a little carried away)

it was almost 9pm, and the sun had set a while ago. alone in the bathroom, the only background noise was your friends happily chattering in the living room. 

it felt homey. niccolo, connie and mikasa playing cards together, armin probably reading something for the literary theory class he had excitedly told you about during dinner, sasha talking with her mother on the phone, walking in circles in the kitchen... homey was the perfect word.

but like all things, the peacefulness eventually came to an end.

by the time eren was back from practice, you had joined the rest of the group in the living room. you checked your watch: 9 o’clock. you would have to get going in a few minutes.

everyone had bought it when, yesterday, you had told them that a friend from your strategic communication class had asked you to tutor them. why wouldn’t they have? you were doing fairly well in that class, it was no secret. and besides, sasha and connie had skipped it so many times that they couldn’t possibly find out that you were lying.

it was a solid lie. much more believable than the actual truth, in fact.

because even you had to admit that “jean asked me to tutor him” sounded very unlikely, not to mention suspicious. but it was nonetheless the truth. 

you owed jean. it was part of the deal. however, the more time passed, the more you began to think that maybe ‘tutoring’ was just a double-entendre you had never heard of, which was nerve-wracking. and the fact that he needed help for a “human relations assignment” only contributed to that feeling. you didn’t know jean well enough to know how big he was on metaphors…

“how was practice?” mikasa asked eren when he plopped down on the couch, careful not to sit on armin’s papers. next to her, niccolo was drawing his third draw 4 of the game.

“pretty good” he nodded, taking a sip from the water bottle he had in hand. but when he put it down, his gaze slowly shifted from mikasa to you: “although someone in the team was a dick the entire time”.

niccolo slammed his draw 4 on the table, making both of you laugh at connie’s despair. eren cleared his throat:

“…i’m talking about jean”

you heaved an annoyed sigh, “no shit sherlock?!”, and kept going as you turned around to face him. “you know, i miss when we used to talk about other things. everything didn’t have to be related to him before saturday”.

“oh come on, cut him some slack” connie intervened, visibly giving up on his ongoing uno game, “maybe he’s just jealous. maybe he wanted to be the one having some bathroom fun with jean…”

on the right half of the couch, armin let out a snort, immediately covering his face with his book. but mikasa and you had the misfortune to make eye contact with him, making you mirror his guilty laugh. connie looked proud, there was nothing like a group of people laughing at his jokes.

“yeah alright, make fun of me all you want” eren fired back, “at least i didn’t hook up with someone just to prove my friend wrong”

everyone fell silent. except maybe for connie’s surprised ‘oh’. it wasn’t the first time eren was referring to saturday night. far from it. and it had only been 48 hours.

“you’re the one being a dick right now” you replied dryly. “that was your fucking idea! you just can’t stand the fact that, technically, you lost your bet to jean”

in the kitchen, you spotted sasha nodding at your words. even she had admitted that eren was being a sore loser yesterday.

“yeah, that’s right… whatever helps you sleep...” eren rolled his eyes, and that made your blood boil, “i’m just saying. you could have done better”.

another ‘oh’ left connie’s mouth. you knew he lived for your bickering with eren. and so was armin, secretly.

“has it not occurred to you that maybe i hooked up with him because i also wanted to?”, you asked, thinking that you could’ve been asking this question to yourself as well. 

you could have ended the conversation here. you probably should have. but you didn’t.

“in fact...”, you stood up and glanced at the clock next to the tv: “i lied about tonight. i’m actually going to his place”.

armin put his book down with a little gasp, echoed by connie and niccolo, whose uno game was definitely over. “i knew it...” you heard connie whisper to mikasa, but she obviously knew he was bluffing.

well, the truth was out now. they would have found out eventually, you tried to reassure yourself. without another word, you put on your coat and grabbed your bag.

eren scoffed: “you’re lying”, but you caught him giving the others a quick look - as if waiting for them to confirm your words.

you swung your bag over your shoulder and headed towards the front door. “whatever helps you sleep, jaeger” you smiled at him before grabbing the apple that sasha was handing you - “you can’t leave without dessert!”.

and just like that, you left the apartment. the last thing you saw being sasha’s proud thumbs up right before you closed the door behind you. 

—————

marco bodt was a nice guy - “sometimes even too nice” according to connie - which is why words could not express how relieved you felt when you realized that he was the roommate jean had briefly told you about.

“he’s still in the shower. but he should be done in a few minutes” marco informed you after closing the door. he invited you to take a seat in the living room, which was about as sophisticated as yours: a black couch, a wooden coffee table, and a tv that wasn’t much larger than a laptop. the layout of the apartment overall was very similar to yours - nothing surprising considering you were all living in the same neighborhood.

“no problem” you replied, hoping that he would be better at small talk than you were. behind the wall, you could hear the sound of water flowing through the pipework. their bathroom must’ve been right next to the living room, just like yours.

you gave a quick look around you, desperately trying to find something to talk about. but based on the way marco began to frantically gather the couple of papers scattered on the coffee table, you guessed that he had probably mistaken that for a judgmental look.

“i’m really sorry for the mess” he awkwardly scratched his neck, which made your eyes widen. the mess? these were undoubtedly the words of someone who had never shared an apartment with sasha braus...

"oh don’t worry! it’s far much worse at my place, to be honest” you answered, and the sound of water in the pipework stopped exactly as you ended your sentence. you acted like you hadn’t noticed, and kept on initiating some kind of small talk with marco. you were really trying your hardest to be chill about this situation.

however, you couldn’t just ignore what happened next.

jean could not be blamed for getting out of his bathroom without a shirt on, it was his apartment after all. but you could blame him for standing in the corridor for so long without looking up from his phone, therefore not noticing your presence until marco cleared his throat.

startled, jean snapped his head up in your direction. his hair looked darker than saturday, but after giving it a more attentive look, you noticed it was just soaking wet.

“oh. hi. i’m uh... i’m gonna- i’m gonna grab a shirt. and then we can... i’ll be right back” he spluttered, before hurrying into his bedroom, muttering a barely audible curse under his breath.

there were already dozens of reasons why you knew tonight would be awkward: the fact that it you hadn’t seen each other since saturday, that this apartment was foreign ground to you, that - all things considered - you realized you didn’t really know him that well... but somehow, jean had managed to create another one in a matter of seconds. 

at least it was pleasant to watch, you thought to yourself, but immediately stopped when he got out of his bedroom, now wearing a slightly wrinkled grey t-shirt.

“i- uh… i think my bedroom might be the best place to work” he offered, visibly unsure of every word he was saying, “…or we could just stay in the living room if you’d prefer!”.

amused, you got up from the couch “bedroom is fine”. one thing was sure, saturday night jean and monday night jean were two radically different people.

you were surprised to notice that jean’s bedroom was tidier than yours - although not tidier than armin’s - and much more decorated than his living room or kitchen, with posters of various movies and bands covering most of the white walls. on his shelves, some trinkets, books, boxes and hardback notebooks were making it look like an ordered mess.

like marco had previously done in the living room, he hurried towards his bed to gather the documents and highlighters scattered on it, before inviting you to sit down. he chose to sit at his desk, on a black chair similar to the one connie had in his.

in fact, noticing that similarity made you realize that most of his shelves, his nightstand and his desk lamp were actually the exact same as connie’s. odd coincidence, you first thought. but quickly remembered that time when, a few months ago, connie had placed an order at ikea and accidentally purchased everything twice. you had always wondered what he had done with his extra articles, there was your answer.

sat on the bed, and surrounded by a surprising amount of pillows, you kept both feet on the floor. it was obvious you weren’t comfortable enough to make yourself at home. 

“so... tell me more about this assignment” you spoke up, after realizing jean was not planning to. perhaps awkward silences did not bother him, but right now, it was bothering you: “what’s it about?”

at that moment, it still wasn’t clear to you whether or not you were here to actually tutor him or not. but he cleared any doubt on a potential double-entendre when he slammed a gigantic stack of books on his desk.

“have a look”, he handed you a document already filled with dozens of crossing-outs, like he had already spent so much time on it he couldn’t even look at it anymore.

you skimmed the document, and jean nervously bounced his leg up and down. maybe he had been wrong to think that you could help him. maybe he had been dumb for asking you to come over. what if you would’ve preferred to study at the library? what if you would’ve preferred not to help at all? what if he was making you feel cornered just because of that stupid bet? what if you regretted saturday? and what if-

“you were right, this is right up my alley” you handed the document back to him with a satisfied smile, “i have like, twenty pages of notes on business communication. we can get this done in an hour”.

fascinated. that was the most adequate emotion to describe the look in jean’s eyes when he watched you take your laptop out of your bag. something about the way you had, in just one quick glance, found how to answer something he had been struggling with for days now was making him feel extraordinarily lucky to have poured that gin in your eye last weekend.

so he listened, carefully and for many minutes, docilely writing down all the information you were giving him on the tricky aspects of interpersonal communications: “you make it look so easy, it’s frustrating”.

by the time you were done with the outline of his essay, his hair had completely dried. you tried not to look at him too much, because no matter how productive you two were being when it came to his assignment, you couldn’t ignore the slight awkwardness that remained. but you did steal a few glances, and noticed his hair looked fluffier than saturday. you liked it better that way, but obviously kept that to yourself.

the introduction was finished first. and apparently, this called for a little snack break. you hadn’t forgotten about sasha’s apple and only asked for a glass of water, which he immediately went to get for you in the kitchen.

left alone in his bedroom, you checked the top right corner of your laptop: the screen displayed 10:04pm. right on schedule, you thought, estimating that you would probably be back home around 11. you knew sasha would still be up, waiting for you in the kitchen and ready to begin a thorough questioning about tonight’s events.

the screen was still displaying 10:04 when jean came back from the kitchen, holding a glass of water and a cereal bar for himself. 

you had kicked your shoes off a while ago, when you really got down to business, and were sitting cross-legged against his wall - careful not to fold the corner of any poster: you might’ve been unaware of it, but this had greatly contributed to the gradual disappearance of your awkwardness.

“i thought about something while you were out...” you told him after thanking him for the water. it was obvious, considering that his back was turned on his laptop, that this could be considered a little study break; and initiating a conversation that wasn’t related to business or communications in any way sounded like a good way to spend it. “you know who could’ve helped you much more than me?”

jean furrowed his brows, inviting you to tell him more. 

“eren”, you replied very seriously.

a genuine laugh escaped his lips, making yours automatically stretch in a grin. “i’m dead serious!” you exclaimed, “he had a similar assignment for his elective a few months ago and he nailed it!”.

“maybe” he shrugged, “but you seem to forget that he literally cannot stand to be around me”. he was right, obviously. but that last sentence made it sound like he personally had no problem with eren whatsoever. and you found that hard to believe.

“true. and he can’t stand hearing about you either” you told him, willingly aiming the conversation towards your latest conversation with eren. you had been replaying it in your mind ever since you had left the apartment, and needed to talk about it with someone, “he wasn’t pleased at all when i told him i was coming over at your place tonight”.

jean didn’t look surprised to hear that, “well, he was already being an asshole at practice...”.

most of their teammates had not attended saturday’s party, but porco had been quick to get everyone up do date, even their coach, who was glad to finally understand why two of his youngest players were so insufferable today. tired of their bickering, he had them run 7 laps each.

“careful there” you shot him a glare, “i’m allowed to insult him. you’re not.”

jean rolled his eyes, muttering something similar to an apology. but you knew nothing prevented him from doing it behind your back anyways.

“so basically”, he cleared his throat, visibly trying to change the subject: “now they all think we're like... sex friends or something”.

that pill was hard to swallow. because he was undeniably right. nobody would believe you if you told them that you had spent the evening working on business communication. but, more than embarrassment, his statement made you feel a strong sense of guilt. maybe you shouldn't have been so evasive when jean was just as involved as you were.

you remained silent, but jean only had to pay attention to the look in your eyes to understand what was going on inside your head: "i mean, i don't really care about what they think. as long as you don't".

hearing his own words, he began to fear maybe they weren't those you wanted to hear. but he couldn't end his sentence here. you looked like you were expecting something else.

"i wish i had a deep explanation to give you…" he started with a slightly embarrassed chuckle, "like 'if you tell him you lied then he'll never trust you again'. but i'm gonna be honest: i just think it's fun that the guy i hate is convinced i hooked up with his best friend".

the atmosphere immediately relaxed. and making you laugh was a big enough accomplishment for jean to keep speaking:

"but if you wanna tell him the truth, go ahead. i just think it'd be stupid to do it now. at least do it in two weeks, when the bet’s time limit is over"

that was actually a very clever idea. terribly unfair, but nonetheless clever. and you appreciated that he didn't even try to lie about his own motivations in keeping the lie going: a little bit of help for his communication classes, and the simple pleasure of annoying eren. it could have been much more difficult.

obviously, jean had thought about an easy way to avoid this situation: if that lie were to become the truth, then the problem would be solved. but it didn't matter what kind of person he had appeared to be on saturday night, the regular him would never have the guts to even suggest it.

you had thought about it as well, as early as when you were rubbing connie's back while he was throwing up in your bathroom after the party. but the fear of looking like the biggest idiot on earth if he refused was more than enough to not try anything.

“alright... let’s keep things like that for a big longer then” you stated, fiddling with one of his pillows that you had put on your lap, “it should be easy, it’s not like we usually see each other on campus”.

jean agreed with a nod. things were now settled, and so he went back to leaning back in his chair, crumpling the wrapper of his cereal bar with both hands before throwing it in the trashcan at the other end of the room.

that made you remember a tiny detail. 

something along the lines of a basketball match this weekend, which you had not yet thought about in the perspective of your agreement with jean.

“saturday’s gonna be fun...” you introduced the topic, your voice tinged with sarcasm. but it was your smirk that allowed jean to get what you were referring to.

“oh god...”, he let out with a resigned sigh, “i can’t wait for porco to point at you in the stands and ask which one of us you came for”. he could already picture the scene very clearly. “he’s the biggest shit-stirrer i’ve ever met. you’re not gonna escape it”.

for some reason, that didn’t surprise you at all. porco looked like the kind of guy who was somehow involved in every drama, and who enjoyed it. “i’ll just say i came for the best player” you shrugged, taking the last sip of your drink.

“aw... thanks” jean replied, and immediately covered his head with one arm, anticipating the pillow you threw at him. it landed on the floor in a thud, which made his lips curl up in a cocky smile: “you’re very predictable, you know that?”

“more predictable than your grade on this assignment if i refuse to help you finish it?” you asked, pointing at your laptop which you had just reopened. his smirk immediately disappeared, and you watched him open his own in a split second. “...that’s what i thought” you chuckled. 

you had to admit that jean had a way of making studying less boring than it usually was. or maybe you were just entertained by this unusual setting. either way, the next forty minutes went by in the blink of an eye. but it was nothing compared to the entire hour that followed...

many topics were discussed in that tiny bedroom: the posters on his walls (“you’ve never seen shutter island?! get out of my room, right now”), the multitude of pillows on his bed (which you learned had been brought to him by his mom, who visited once every two weeks), his relationships with the rest of the basketball team, with pieck and porco (“unexpected, but really cool” to quote jean himself), connie’s tendency to skip class, sasha and niccolo’s relationship... things you could have discussed with any of your other friends, but didn’t think could be possible with someone you had never talked to three days ago.

but it was past midnight already, and the conversation did not seem like it could end by itself. 

unlike jean who had moved from his desk chair to the bed once the assignment was done, you had remained in the same position, sat against the wall. your first stretch was almost painful. “i should get going” you told him, keeping your voice low like you had both been doing ever since marco had gone to bed.

with a yawn, jean got up from the bed right after you.

“oh i know my way out, don’t worry” you told him as you put on your coat, which you had left hanging on his chair.

he gave you an intrigued look. “...you’re not seriously considering walking home alone?”

“well, i was” you replied, bending down to put your shoes on, “but i’m pretty sure that was a rhetorical question”.

“it was. your analytical skills are amazing, by the way. i hope you know that” he teased you, before grabbing his keys on his desk and opening the door to let you out first.

out in the cold - which was much more biting than last time you had been outside - the conversation resumed where you had left it, very naturally.

but since it really didn’t take long to walk from his apartment to yours (something he apparently refused to take as an excuse to let you walk home alone), you barely had time to close the topic of niccolo and sasha that you were already approaching your front door.

you knew it, this was a key moment in every stupid romcom that sasha made you watch on sunday nights: the awkwardness of two oblivious protagonists saying goodbye to each other. for a moment, you feared one of you might make it just as awkward as these repetitive characters. but someone luckily - or was it really luck? - helped preventing it. someone who, as always, had his nose stuck in a book, while his other hand was carrying two trash bags.

had you not spoken up, armin might not have noticed your presence, nor jean’s. but the need to know why he was taking the trash out at 12:17am was too strong not to ask.

startled by your voice, armin dropped his book to his feet with a gasp that sounded dangerously close to a scream, “are you crazy?!” he exclaimed, before remembering what time it was and lowering his voice, “you scared the life out of me!”.

but it seemed like he hadn’t been scared enough not to notice jean. or rather, not to openly stare at him. his gaze alternated between the both of you, even as he dropped the bags in the dumpster and picked his book up. you wondered if he was even blinking.

“how was your night?” he asked with a smile that jean might have mistaken for a genuine one. but you knew armin better than that... if sasha was already asleep, he would be the one questioning you.

“good” you replied, adding a yawn that you hoped wouldn’t sound too fake, “but i’m really tired so... i think i’m just gonna go straight to bed”. that last part had been addressed to jean, so when your eyes went back to armin, you didn’t expect to see him waiting for you with his arms crossed. he definitely wasn’t planning on going back inside to leave you two some semblance of privacy.

“alright...” jean tried to fill the awkward silence, as you began to nervously shift your weight from one leg to another, “i should probably head back then”.

you nodded, giving armin a side glance. he hadn’t moved an inch. what was he trying to make you prove? did he have doubts regarding what was supposed to have happened on saturday? it wouldn’t be much of a surprise... other people could be easily fooled, but not him.

but, after what felt like hours - especially in the cold - jean finally took things in hand. his left arm snaked around your waist, and you felt him pull you closer. you shivered, hoping it was just because of the cold, and closed your eyes instinctively, prepared to any eventuality. 

but the only thing you felt was a kiss being left on your forehead, right before he let go of your waist.

“i’ll text you” he said, but you were too taken aback to tell whether or not he had just winked at you or not.

finally, you turned around to face armin. he nodded, a look of satisfaction painted on his face. whatever test he had just made you take, it seemed like you and jean had both nailed it.

CHAPTER 5 ->

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[wiitchkins]

Hello!!! okay obviously your knowledge of and taste in fashion is INCREDIBLE, we ALL know this, it is ELITE AND SUPERIOR - my question is, what's your background in fashion? what influences do you consider very important in your art? you mentioned in your most recent drawing of marinette that guo pei's couture is some you really like, so you clearly Know Some Stuff about fashion!! p.s. your art is *waves hands around* i would let it eat me

Ahhhhhh!! Thank you thank you thank you this means so much to me to hear! As for my background in fashion…

I am sorry to say I actually have basically 0 actual background in fashion aside from watching almost every season of project runway as it was airing (dropped off a few seasons after Tim and Heidi left) and a long standing appreciation of fashion as an art form.

I’ve never been particularly fashion forward or stylistically adept and I would say pretty much up until I started college I was pretty. Unstylish. Anti-stylish? In my own wardrobe. Nowadays I actually mostly present in way that leans more butch and I do have a defined style I’m both comfortable in and actively enjoy, but it’s very very different from what I like to draw and design.

As the internet evolved it became a lot easier to find stuff and for the past mmm five or so years I try to keep up with the seasonal runways, a lot of which you can find literal photos and recordings of on Vogue.com. Couture is… deeply fundamentally different from “ready to wear” in that it’s often simply unwearable in everyday life, but I think the way it emphasizes certain shapes, forms, and movement is, simply put, absolutely fucking sick (it is however not without its problems as in my experience mmm some Couture fashion folks can be extremely pretentious and intolerable 🙄 not to mention the space itself is highly inaccessible, favors certain features/body types/skin tones, and is inherently classcist, etc etc)

To keep up with what’s currently “fashionable” (as in what people are actually wearing) I honestly just scroll through Instagram to see who’s wearing what and going through different tags and knowing keywords for what different groups elf describe as helps. “#streetwear” is gonna give you a different feed than “#it girl” is gonna give you a different feed than “#office fit”. I also like to scroll through instas and tumblrs that are literally just interviews and photos with random people op finds out in the world- you see personality in how things are put together in specific. What makes a look personal to them? What is practicality and what is fashion, and how much of each does each individual desire? I don’t think everyone is the same kind of Fashion Forward (or even is fashion forward) and I think it’s fun to find different niches and mix and match while still applying design theory Ive learned elsewhere. Even a character who is specifically Not Fashionable is that way in a specific sense, and could still have an appealing design. Also studying fashion at all gave me the ability to draw fabric which is a huge skill.

Without saying too much about my actual job, I am not a character designer at the moment, but I do think having this general knowledge of costume design and vested interest in keeping up current fashion (both ready to wear and couture/runway) is extremely important in my profession and wish it was more emphasized as I think it would be. Very helpful. The character design in Apple TV’s/Skydance’s Luck drives me absolutely bonkers because it sucks so much and the main characters looks like an old navy ad circa 2010. The same could unfortunately be said for our fav girl Marinette. She’s allowed to be less aggressively Fashionable because she is in fact a child, but I’d love to see a bit more attention to detail and understanding of what teens wear nowadays, let alone what they were wearing even 5 years ago. Her look was a tiny bit dated when the show was first released, but it’s even more egregious now. Not that they’re going to change it anytime soon but they had an opportunity in the movie to at least play with proportions since the jacket’s.. cut I guess and pink capri jeans are the most egregious. Maybe I’ll do a redesign that keeps the general idea/pieces in tact… idk. God. Please character designers learn fashion.

Anyway now that I’ve written an essay here’s some stuff I’ve liked and have been thinking about recently:

Guo Pei (as I said, Spring 2019 rules, but Spring 2017, 2018 and Fall 2019 are my favs)

Zimmerman Fall/Winter 2022

Heaven Gaia Spring 2022 Couture

Clio Peppiatt x Annie’s Ibiza current collab collection

Lawrence Basse (all her work tbh)

Zuhair Murad Fall 2022

Tran Hung Fall 2017

Alexander McQueen Menswear Fall 2022 and 2018

Christian Dior Resort 2023

Janelle Monae’s Pre-Dirty Computer Era

Thierry Mugler (his entire body of work tbh but rn I like Resort 2021)

Hawwa (@hellohawwa)

Jarvis Aivali (@jarvisaivali)

This is not to mention my love for pre-colonial Filipino textiles, 1920s butch lesbian fashion, charro suits, whatever the look is called with the giant oversized floral button shirt and the jeans is, bright colorful floral/and or embroidered suits, ami thompson’s knight and princess characters, and the catholic met gala specifically.

[kotokoharrow]

Case Study 001: Haruka Sakurai

Note that this analysis is based around my own views. I do not present my way of interpreting Haruka as fact, and I am sharing this to see if others agree with me. If you disagree, you are more than welcome to say so and we can discuss it!

Content Warning: This analysis contains discussion of: Animal abuse and death, child abuse and death, emotional abuse, child neglect, murder, flashbacks and nightmares. Please proceed with caution if you are sensitive to any of these topics!

Evidence List:

Haruka’s Profile

Haruka’s Voice Drama

Undercover

Weakness

Two Breaths Walking

Voice Line

Timeline Convo

Character Analysis

A young male prisoner, quiet with downcast eyes. During Es’ early interrogations, he offered only a few constrained words in response. However, he has gradually become more talkative, forming an emotional bond over the course of his interviews. Once one begins to converse with him, his gentle pre-disposition is revealed.

He has a meek temperament and, even in Milgram, does not appear to be dissatisfied. Barely manages to communicate with Es and the other prisoners. However, during conversations, as if some meaning is lost along the way, there is a disconnect.

Haruka is a teenager with a very low opinion of himself, shown in his attitude in his voice drama and the lyrics of his song. When he appears in Undercover, he is shown wringing his hands together, avoiding looking at the camera, and when he finally does shows an unhappy expression. These pieces of his body language show that he is an anxious boy.

Haruka doesn’t appear to be very bright, with his song being written in hiragana, and he struggles to follow along with everything that Es says to him in his voice drama. He even says himself that he isn’t very bright. However, this is likely a result of his mother’s treatment of him, as he hasn’t been allowed to develop as he should have.

The shot in Undercover that shows his room shows young children’s toys on the floor. This, along with his speech patterns, show that he remains in a child’s mindset, despite being 17 years old. I believe that this is due to him becoming ‘stuck’ at an age where he experienced a traumatic event as a child - the event that revolved around fireworks and the girl in his MV.

Haruka’s primary motivation is love. He was neglected and emotionally abused by his mother his whole life, and so has been deprived of the love that most people receive from their parents. Despite love being his motivation, he shows in his interrogation questions that he doesn’t really understand what it is - he just knows that he wants it.

While his primary motivation is love, Haruka’s primary fear is abandonment. He is also afraid of being deceived, which again ties into his fear of abandonment. Haruka believes that everyone will leave him when they learn what he has done, and also believes that he will bring misfortune to others. This belief of bringing misfortune to others is likely a belief that his mother gave to him.

Haruka avoids situations and things that remind him of his trauma, such as animals and small children. This, as well as imagery in his MV, his mother’s treatment of him and his general personality, lead me to believe that he experiences PTSD.

The kanji in his given name means ‘far’ or ‘distant’, which likely references his personality, and the fact that he finds it difficult to get close to and communicate with others, due to having been deprived of connections for most of his life.

MV Analysis

I believe that Weakness takes place after Haruka has committed his crimes, and that it’s showing events from his past in the form of nightmares and flashbacks, which is why they appear distorted and there is heavy symbolism. As a result of this, even what we see in the MV is ambiguous as to whether it really happened, as dreams are not always literal and even with flashback-type nightmares, key facts can appear different to what happened in reality.

At the beginning of the MV, we see Haruka sitting in front of a dressing table, looking at himself in the mirror. The table is likely his mothers, as the perfume bottles on it seem to belong to a woman. Behind Haruka, we can see a window that shows that it’s daytime, but when his reflection in the mirror changes into his younger self, we can see that it is night-time outside (with red sky and a full moon). As the image changes, I believe this is Haruka experiencing a flashback, or perhaps a sign that he is having a nightmare.

I also believe that Haruka experiences PTSD as a result of his mother being emotionally abusive and neglectful towards him. I believe that this mistreatment when he was a young child explains a lot of his current personality - his behaviour fits in well with the behaviours of people who survive emotional abuse (doubting his own perception of things, a very strong negative opinion of himself, fear of abandonment).

There are many lyrics in Weakness that I believe point towards Haruka’s mother being emotionally abusive. The notable ones to me are: ‘Tell me, why are you drifting away from me? / Tell me, why do you say it’s my fault?’ and ‘If I tried and couldn’t say it / You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless”’. I believe that these lyrics are directed at Haruka’s mother.

As for imagery in the MV, when Haruka initially falls backwards from the dressing table, he falls into the liquid from his mother’s perfume, which shows how her treatment of him has surrounded him. Later, while he’s walking alongside her happily, she barely looks back down at him, and when adult Haruka pushes his younger self back, the following image is shown:

I believe the drawing in the background is meant to be Haruka’s mother, and his cruel treatment of his younger self is meant to show that he has internalised his mother’s abuse, going on to blame and punish himself for what he believes she would blame and punish him for.

Later, it shows Haruka as a child watching the fireworks with a girl his own age, whose face is blacked out like his mother’s. While it’s not clear what exactly happened, something bad happened to the girl, and she vanished from his life.

This is pure speculation, but I don’t think that Haruka killed the girl. I think something bad happened to her - possibly she even died - and that Haruka blames himself for what happened, whether fairly or unfairly. I believe that what happened was traumatic to Haruka, and he tried to avoid thinking about the bad part by focusing on his memory of the fireworks, which is a part of his denial.

Later, Haruka is petting a dog with his mother. Then, he goes outside to search for the dog, and comes across the dog’s body. Initially, I believed that Haruka had killed the dog, and I still think that this is a highly likely theory, as yellow roses are seen (which in flower language used to represent jealousy), and the lyrics that play during this point are ‘You praised me by saying “You’re crazy” / Thank you, I’ll do my best’ which, to me, alludes to children acting out for attention when they are being neglected, because due to the lack of positive attention they begin to see all forms of attention as a good thing, including negative attention.

However, in the timeline conversations, there is an exchange between Haruka and Shidou where Haruka has bloodied hands, and he tells a concerned Shidou that it comes from a bad habit of his, that when he’s tense he clenches his fists and his nails dig into his palms, causing them to appear bloodied.

Shidou: Sakurai-kun...? Could you show me your hand? Haruka: Hei!? No, this isn’t... it’s n-nothing... Shidou: Lend it to me. ...Your palm is covered in blood. Let’s have it disinfected. This... has it always been like this? Haruka: A-ah... I-it’s a habit... W-When I feel tense I grip my hands really tight, and my nails...

This detail has caused me to wonder if Haruka didn’t actually kill the dog. We see child Haruka looking for the dog nervously, and then appearing horrified when he finds the dogs corpse, then he looks down at his hands and sees blood on them. We also only see adult Haruka bludgeoning the dog. It’s common for people with PTSD to re-experience trauma from different perspectives, or with details changed, so it’s possible that Haruka did not kill the dog.

However, at this point, I think either explanation could be possible, so I’ll leave both of those theories here and move on.

Later, when it shows adult Haruka strangling child Haruka, I believe that this is when Haruka’s Milgram murder takes place. Before he begins strangling his child self, he is seen looking at a memory of himself being ignored by his mother, and becomes enraged, lashing out at his child self and strangling him, seemingly in an act of self-loathing.

However, I believe that Haruka is actually murdering his mother, having finally snapped and let out all of his repressed feelings. After the murder is over, I believe that Haruka was so horrified by what he did, he went into denial - which is something he has practice from doing his whole life - and the details of what he did became distorted.

In conclusion, I believe the following:

The MV takes the form of Haruka’s nightmares, which is why it’s ambiguous, unreliable and distorted

Haruka was emotionally abused and neglected by his mother since childhood

Haruka didn’t kill the girl, but he does blame himself for what happened to her

EITHER: Haruka killed the dog to try and get his mother to notice him, OR Haruka didn’t kill the dog but still in some way blames himself for the dog’s death

Haruka killed his mother directly due to his repressed feelings of anger towards her for abusing and neglecting him

Haruka is horrified by what he did, and on some level is in denial of the facts of what happened

Misc Analysis

Undercover

Haruka’s bedroom has toys that would be more appropriate in the bedroom of a young child. This shows that he is mentally stuck in a child-like state. Interestingly, there is also a drawing of a tree with two snakes that also appears during his MV. I don’t know what this means.

Haruka is shown strangling Es, which backs up the idea that Haruka’s murder happened when he was shown strangling his child self. Haruka’s mouth is wide open, showing that his murder involved heightened emotion on his part. This wasn’t a cold and calculated murder, this was a spur-of-the-moment response to something.

Interrogation Questions

I’m picking a few notable interrogation questions to analyse. In general, though, Haruka’s answers were much simpler than Yuno’s, which shows his child-like mindset and difficulty in understanding things.

Q: If one of your wishes could be granted, what would it be? A: I want to be loved.

Pretty straightforwards. This shows Haruka’s core motivation is to be loved.

Q: When was your first love? A: I don’t know.

Q: What’s the difference between romantic love and just love? A: Don’t they both mean that you like someone?

Q: What’s your ideal date plan? A: I don’t understand.

Despite his core motivation being wanting to be loved, Haruka doesn’t understand much about love, due to having been deprived of it his whole life.

Q: What kind of person is your father? A: I disappointed him.

This is the only time we hear of Haruka’s father. I’d guess that his mother blamed Haruka for his father leaving them, and that’s why he believes that he disappointed his father.

Q: Have you ever had a pet before? A: I have not.

Q: What is your favourite animal? A: I don’t like animals.

Q: What are some things you can’t deal with? A: Small children and animals.

Haruka denies any incident that was traumatic to him.

Q: What do you think of your family? A: I love them.

Despite having been deprived of love from his mother, he still says he loves them.

Q: Tell us what you enjoy doing. A: I like talking with the other prisoners.

Haruka talks about what he’s been doing since coming to Milgram, which implies that he didn’t have much he enjoyed doing beforehand.

Two Breaths Walking

A song about a boy meeting a girl. The girl tries to teach the boy about life, but due to the boy’s mother having taught him about life wrongly, he struggles to understand, and as a result ends up hurting the girl.

With Haruka as the boy, the girl in his MV as the girl, and his mother as the boy’s mother, this directly parallels Haruka’s MV. There isn’t much to talk about, because the parallels are pretty direct. It backs up the idea that Haruka’s mother was abusive, teaching him wrongly through her abuse and neglect.

Voice Drama

Es: Now, let’s begin the interrogation. Prisoner Number 1, Haruka. Haruka: O-Okay… I-I’m sorry… Es: Huh? Do you have something to apologise for? Haruka: U-uh, no… I’m sorry.

This shows us Haruka’s submissive personality. This kind of apologising for any perceived fault is very common in survivors of emotional abuse, because they learnt in the abusive environment that their abuser could find fault in anything, and to lower the severity of abuse, they would apologise. However, as this level of apologising isn’t needed or expected in regular situations, when it carries over it stands out.

Haruka: Ah, uh, um… I didn’t understand whatever it was you were saying. It was difficult. Es: Huh? Haruka: Uh, um… I’m sorry. I’m not that bright. Es: Haruka. What age are you? Haruka: Um… 17 years old, I think. Es: You think? Haruka: Uh, well… I have no interest in my age… I’m sorry.

Haruka isn’t used to having to think for himself, which is also common in survivors of emotional abuse. Abusers try to make their victims dependent on them, they may try to make decisions for their victims, or in the case of abusive parents may speak for them and deprive their children of the ability to develop. Taking into account Haruka’s cover song, I think it’s likely that this was the case with his mother.

Es: The only name left that hasn’t been said is Amane. Haruka: A-Amane. Es: What’s wrong? Haruka: I-I’m not good with them. Children at that age. A-Amane is a good girl, but she brings back b-bad memories.

This is most likely referring to whatever happened with the girl in Haruka’s MV. Haruka avoids thinking about traumatic incidents, even in his nightmares he avoids the details of them. Avoiding triggers of traumatic events is a symptom of PTSD.

Haruka: It’ll happen sometime. I… I… Even though I try to be normal, everything gets ruined. You, everyone, if you knew me… If you knew everything that I did… I’m… gonna be abandoned, that’s bound to happen. Because I’m a selfish killer.

Due to his abuse, Haruka solely blames himself for everything that happens. It’s likely that his mother blames him even for things that weren’t his fault, so this thought process stuck. Haruka’s primary motivation is love, and his biggest fear is abandonment.

Glitched Voice Line

Then what should I have done instead!? Tell me! Tell me so even I can understand!

I believe that this line from Haruka is addressed to his mother who he killed. He felt that he had no way to gain her love, and he is looking to her to tell him what to do.

Other Theories

Twin Theory

A theory I’ve seen says that the child in Haruka’s MV isn’t Haruka as a child, and is actually his twin. I don’t think we have any evidence to support this. I think that, given how much of Haruka’s MV is made up with abstract imagery, we should be careful with interpreting it too literally.

Autistic Haruka Theory

I have no issue with people seeing Haruka as being autistic, however, all of the theories about him being autistic seem to come from an outdated view of autism. I am autistic myself, and while I can recognise a lot of autistic traits in Haruka’s behaviour, I don’t think autism is what they were going for. I think that Haruka’s ‘autistic traits’ are, instead, supposed to show that he’s in a child-like mentality after a trauma that took place in his childhood, and that his behaviour has been strongly influenced by his abusive mother. I believe we have evidence that points towards this specifically, but no evidence that points specifically towards Haruka being autistic.

Unexplained

Why does Haruka say that his hands bleed when he’s nervous and what connection does that have to the blood on his hands in the MV?

What is the significance of the necklace that Haruka wears?

What is the significance of the girl in the MV?

What happened while watching the fireworks?

Did Haruka kill the girl?

What’s the significance of the tree and the snakes?

Final Verdict

My Verdict: Innocent.

I’m very glad that the popular vote determined that Haruka was innocent! My major reasons for this are: 

1. His MV is the most abstract right now - it’s unclear exactly what happened, so any judgement based on his crime is going to be difficult. 2. For Haruka to open up more, I think he needs to be reassured that he will not be abandoned. I think that Haruka’s second MV will give us more details, because we have reassured him that he will not be abandoned.

Thank you for reading this ridiculously long thing! I hope to write these for all of the prisoners, and eventually catch up to where we currently are with the voting! If you enjoyed my analysis, please consider sharing so it can reach a wider audience!

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

it’s a fucking metaphor!

Titans 3.08

i’ve finally gathered the mental and emotional resources to do this thing, so let’s go! as always, i’m typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. on watching this opening scene, i was thinking back to how gar was in s1, or even the early bits of s2. the way he idolised the others, particularly dick, and his readiness to go along with whatever they said, and the way he practically bled the need for acceptance. and here he is now, openly defying dick, fully open to and aware of the flaws of the people he loves and admires, knowing he is accepted no matter what and extending that generosity elsewhere. it’s a remarkable bit of character growth that’s... sort of blossomed in the background and so rewarding to see and acknowledge. 

1.25. i guess what i really love about this conflict over how to respond to jason--as clumsily as it is sometimes written--is how their histories and individual traumas inform each character’s reaction. dick is torn between his guilt over what’s become of jason and his drive to do what batman had essentially given up on doing: he is motivated to track down red hood at all costs but there’s a sense that he’s not completely sold on the idea that the only way to stop him is to kill him. (he might go the comics route and try to put him in arkham? god, imagine if the season ended with jason in arkham.) kory’s never had much of a connection with jason in the first place, and jason has done one of the worst things he could do in her book: track and kill a member of her newfound family and is threatening to kill more. 

and gar... sure. look. the idea of jason and red hood as separate entities appeals to him; that red hood emerged when jason was drugged to the gills by scarecrow and lost his usual inhibitions. gar’s struggled with what he becomes when he’s pushed to his limits, too--he did rip open that experimenting scientist with his teeth way back in 1.07, after all, and he was brainwashed by cadmus in s2 into becoming a literal monster. he needs to think, to know, there’s a dichotomy, a line that can only be crossed under extreme duress or by outside influence. 

and he says--and we say--that he was accepted back into the titans in spite of what he’d done, but was he really? gar’s always struggled with his footing in this group; relegated to the caretaker, the tech guy, the gatekeeper, and sometimes punching bag even though everybody’s paying lip service to how much of a family they all are. perhaps gar reaching out to jason and offering acceptance is aspirational on his part: perhaps this is the effort he hoped the titans put/or will put into getting gar back, even when it would seem like he’s too far gone.

1.5. anyway my point is that i don’t think it’s worth discussing this in terms of right/wrong decisions because all of their reactions make a lot of sense given their backgrounds/personalities. gar is doing a fine job here of tracking down jason’s friends and trying to find him that way, but we the audience know that jason is ultimately going to end up an anti-hero/eventually-hero character, so with that knowledge in mind we know that gar’s reaction is the right one. it’s knowledge that the other characters don’t have, so to judge them on it is... uh, unfair.

1.8. also, molly is awesome, yay!

2. dick and barbara flirting over the phone is so cute! i love to see this side of dick: lighter, peppier, willing (even if somewhat reluctantly) to put his mission aside to go out on a date with his girlfriend. and i love how easy this makes his dynamic with kory too: it’s all very domestic and utterly delightful. 

(also, re: the water leak in barbara’s office--you’re saying GCPD could afford fancy-schmancy table-wide touch screen computers and evil-lair lighting but needs its frickin’ commissioner to catch leaking water from above her desk with mugs and fishbowls????)

2.2225. this is probably a teeny tiny thing and i’m not sure i want to bring it up at all BUT. the fact that dick feels compelled to lie to barbara about not liking fancy gala food and eating something more substantial before the date? not a terribly great sign, though i wouldn’t call it a red flag per se. 

“this from a man who forced his students to eat cauliflower crust pizza...”

3. so.... conner and kom are a Thing. huh.

in theory i really like the idea of them bonding over an innate alien-ness and longing for a place they could really belong. both of them are alien twice-over: conner a mix of kryptonian and human, practically generated in a test tube, and kom being somebody that was born different and rejected by her own people, now stuck on a planet dominated by an entirely different species. i even like them exploring this bond physically. i guess it’s the sense of... uneasiness around what we do and don’t know about kom that makes this scene land slightly left of centre to me. i think titans, especially through s2, has cultivated in its audience a sense of distrust even until the final episode, just in case somebody vital to the season is suddenly revealed to have had ulterior motives (i’m even low-key suspicious of leslie). i really want to see this kom-conner dynamic play out but the anticipation of watching the other shoe drop is sucking out the enjoyment.

4. for fuck’s sake dick, gar’s not your gatekeeper.

TIIIIIIIIMMMMM \O/

4.5. i love this nod to tim’s origins in the comics, the way he just comes in and lays out all his evidence and makes it clear to dick that he needs tim’s help as robin. the fact that he was there at the flying graysons’ last performance, he was obsessed with their acrobatic moves, and was observant enough to connect those moves with that of robin and later nightwing... all of this came together to put him where he is right now.

(i also love how he can’t contain his giddy excitement when talking about the day dick grayson’s parents died... to dick grayson. even if dick weren’t nightwing, that would be a deeply uncomfortable thing! yet tim can’t help himself, and i love him for it.)

4.8. it’s a testament to how much dick’s caught off-guard that he can’t come up with a better response to tim’s allegations other than “uh... he stole my moves! as you know, no two gymnasts in the world are allowed to do the same moves. now, let me escort you out while pretending poorly that i’m not at all shaken by this...”

4.9. i’ve talked about this before, but i find the logic around secret identities in this universe utterly fascinating. the titans don’t make much effort in keeping their identities secret: everybody seems to know that kory is starfire for instance, or that gar is beast boy. dick grayson is seen hanging out with kory a lot, especially at crime scenes. it won’t take a lot of sleuthing to find out that the titans are currently camped out at wayne manor, and to put two and two together.

my theory was that superheroes and villains have become such an integral part of daily society that it’s almost not worth it to seek out their secret identities, or that it’s just not a big deal anymore. like politicians or diplomats, not everybody bothers to look into who exactly their local politician is, but the people who know just... know. it’s a sort of unspoken social contract.

tim’s broken this contract by confronting dick about his identity, and dick’s not ready to deal with it. not entirely.

look at him! *pinches his cheeks*

5. ngl, it was quite satisfying to see jason knock the scarecrow out like that. 

5.5. i guess... the question of jason’s culpability is always going to be a thorny one and would make for a great courtroom drama spinoff. there are a number of factors to consider: jason’s personality, the rough circumstances under which he grew up, his undoubtedly stressful transition to being robin, bruce wayne being... well, bruce wayne, never feeling accepted by the titans and having most of them turn on him, being roundly defeated and almost killed by deathstroke, alfred’s death, a fuckload of ptsd, his violent death, crane’s manipulations, coming back to life, crane plying him with a drug. but there is no easy line to draw between any of these factors to his actions. i think it would be a disservice to jason’s character to attribute his actions entirely to these things and rather irresponsible to do so. i think jason has to reckon with the fact that when he took crane’s drug, he wasn’t reckless and chaotic like the thugs he gave it to; the planning that went into hank’s death was meticulous and the way hank died--dawn essentially tricked into pulling the trigger that blew her lover into bits--is so drawn out and cruel. 

5.75. it’s occurring to me that crane might have given jason a placebo. maybe jason’s dependence is psychological, and he’s externalised his fears in such a way that he believes crane’s drugs literally wipe them out, however temporarily.

in any case, the boy needs (more) therapy.

6. “he walked like robin...” fuck, tim

“gait recognition sweep” god, this show. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry. hey, once we’re done doing this gait recognition thingy, can we get a goddamn plumber in the house??? or move the commissioner’s desk so that sewage water isn’t dripping on her head or the million dollar touchscreen desk???????

6.5. oh no dick!!!!!! i am delighted that you got hurt but i feel ashamed about it! that looked like it really hurt!

he’s really not having a good time of it, is he. from being shot by a sniper to slamming at full speed into an suv, he’s got to be really fucking battered by now. and that’s just the physical side of it.

“can you believe that just over a week ago i was sitting in san francisco eating cauliflower crust pizza and feeling good about myself for the first time in five years...”

7. kory’s having visions again! now that she’s figured what they are, do you think the show’s just dropped justin? it’s curious that HPG hasn’t been brought up in a while after featuring relatively heavily in the beginning. hmmm.

8. dick’s in hospital but... he looks remarkably whole for someone who took a spill like that. you’d think he’d at least have a bruise to show for it. on the other hand, i love that the first thing he says is ‘i need to call home’. reminds me of season 1 dick and his clumsy attempts to explain away his found family as an ‘alliance of necessity’ or some bullshit. what a long way he’s come!

*gasp* dick’s hallucinating again!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m doing the dick’s hallucinating dance! can you believe that we’re carrying over these huge honking issues unearthed in season 2 onto season 3? can you believe?!!! all that time and effort i spent talking about dick’s mental health from last season has not gone in vain!!

... ahem. anyway. more on this later.

“hold on barbara, i think kory gave me the number to this therapist that she kept calling Hot Psychiatrist Guy...”

9. just an interlude to say that i’m barely halfway through the episode and i’ve already written 2k+ words... ugh. i’m going to try and be more concise.

10. man i fuckin love it when titans goes all out with its weird mindscapes and i’m extra glad that kory’s the focus this time. is that baby kom or maybe a secret sibling that neither of them knew about? was that lady luand’r? and is this place where kory was circling where the secret sibling is? it’s all very intriguing. 

(if justin turned out to be that sibling... we’ve a real luke/leia situation on our hands.)

11. aw, i knew that nice security guard was going to die, but it still hurt to see him go :(

12. this show is so bizarre. like i get the mindscape as a narrative device, but jason using sex workers to try and vocalise his guilt about killing hank was just weird. like. i have to use tamil, sorry: idhulaan yaaru pa room pottu yosikara??? some things just can’t be translated into a second language.

i guess one way to interpret jason’s reckoning with what he did to the titans as a sign of him coming off crane’s drug, but i think it’s more to do with the disillusionment of realising that he was a mere pawn in a more sinister plan, and not, as he thought, a player in control of his destiny, rising to the purpose of liberating gotham of its fears in a way batman never could. along the way, he’s done some truly irreversible damage. it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

13. another hallucination! it’s really intriguing that it’s a young dick(?), younger than we’ve ever seen him, wearing an early-era robin costume from way before he even became robin. (this is also interesting in that it gives credence to the idea that ‘robin’ is an identity that dick created entirely on his own, and as a possible homage to his family.)

“old road, old house... it’s all gone.” i wonder what it all means.

13.5. it’s entirely likely dick’s hallucinating because of a brain injury from the accident, though just hallucinations without any other focal neurological deficit is unusual. he might’ve been microdosed with fear toxin at some point, though i wonder when... did jason do so after dick’s accident? did he get dosed at the factory from last episode? 

it’s also possible it’s a continuing manifestation of dick’s issues from last season--which, if you remember, he never told anyone about and therefore never properly addressed. maybe he was hallucinating bruce wayne in a psychotic episode accompanying an acute stress reaction and maybe that’s what’s happening now. nobody’s denying that he’s under an extraordinary amount of stress right now. another way to look at it is that this is how he externalises conflict that he can’t bear to suppress anymore; if in s2 halluci!bruce manifested his insecurities and self-loathing, then these hallucinations... something to do with his fears, no doubt.

yet ANOTHER way to look at it might be: rachel is reaching out to him through their, well, psychic bond. after all, they were able to use that bond unconsciously last season to get the titans back together; maybe rachel has learned to gain a degree of control over it in themyscira and is sending across warnings? it’s all very intriguing.

anyway:

“i hear you skipped over the discowing suit in your evolution to nightwing... how could you??”

14. can you imagine, gar did all the work of reaching out to jason via molly and jason wants to meet dick? smh.

14.5. “i’m just a regular guy doing regular things” he says, standing at the opening of a secret old tunnel, like a secret person doing secret things, confronting someone who can now officially be called his stalker. neither of you guys are ‘regular’

14.8. ‘my dad was a cop and he taught me how to investigate’ - hmmm. i guess they’re trying to Explain Tim but i don’t think that’s really necessary. so he’s smart and he’s obsessed with batman and robin--that should be enough, imo. 

15. that scene with scarecrow and his mother was... wow. i’m just laughing here helplessly, because what the hell? for a while i thought it was an extended dream sequence and i’m still not entirely sure that it isn’t...

anyway. i still love that titans is happy to throw out its plot in favour of extended character-exploration sessions.

15.5. it seems to me that this scene with crane and his mother (i have no idea if there’s anything in the comics similar to this) serves to move forward this season’s theme of harmful legacies and how parents can damage their children in the name of their mission. in a way it’s been the underlying message of the entire show but we’re really seeing it being reinforced this season. the titans, serving as a foil to scarecrow, are using the damage to rebuild themselves and actually work through their issues together, instead of spiralling further and further into the morass of their issues.

other than that... god, that scene was painful to watch. i can’t say i like this version of scarecrow or how this actor plays him at all.

16. i wonder what’s jason’s play here. i think he’s smart enough to realise that the titans aren’t going to just forgive him and let him be a titan again after what he did, and that dick agreeing to it is just a bid to pin both him and crane down. maybe it’s a ploy to trap them, get back on scarecrow’s good books so that he can have the drug again. who knows.

17. i absolutely felt dick when he said “we’ll bring him in and then re-assess the situation.” what the fuck else is he going to say? the priority is to get him.

so kory and dick are both hallucinating while potentially trying to rehabilitate their murderous siblings. CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER ALREADY

18. TIM NOOOO! you beautiful, reckless fool!

18.25. just to quickly address it here because i know it’s been brought up before: i think it’s perfectly justified to not have conner take tim to the hospital via superspeed because a) i don’t think we’ve seen conner do that with anybody so far and b) it’s probably not a good idea to submit tim’s body to that kind of stress without knowing what it would do to him. the paramedics with actual equipment and experience would be there in a few minutes, so on a risk assessment, i would say dick and conner absolutely made the right call.

18.5. i guess we won’t know what jason really intended to when the titans came to the pump to see him, but this is definitely going to set a big wedge in his relationship with crane. then again, crane got what he wanted--using starfire’s powers to blast through to the underground pipes--so jason can argue that this is exactly what he was working towards, too. 

anyway, mortal peril, hallucinations, murderous family members, creepy visions and robins sprouting left and right. time to get rachel and donna on the scene, i think.

[angelanimedesaray]

Wings in the Dark Chapter 3:  Quicksand

AN:  Okay, so this admittedly goes a little slow at the very beginning, more snooping and such, but I promise it picks back up about halfway through.  And will pick up from here on out.

Characters:  Levi, Vampire!Reader, Erwin, numerous BG characters

Pairing:  (Eventual) Levi x Vampire!Reader

Warnings:  Language, Peril (Temporary)

Word Count:  6940

<----Previous Chapter    Masterlist    Next Chapter---->

*Levi’s POV*

You could tell a lot about a person from how they treated animals.

For the Scouts, it was the horses especially that mattered, as they were one of the few lifelines out beyond the walls.  With how the horses had avoided L/N with everything they had, people in the vicinity would mutter about how she would never go beyond the walls at this rate, or how she had to be a bad person and the horses were sensing it.

That was one theory to go with.

However, as Levi continued to watch her, he never once saw her get angry or frustrated with them.  Sometimes there was sadness, or it looked like she was on the edge of admitting defeat, but she continued to approach them with patient understanding, as if she knew exactly what they were afraid of, and was asking them not to be because she couldn’t change it.

Gradually, the dappled grey allowed her to come closer and closer.  They started having problems giving someone else the job of cleaning the stables because she was spending so much of her free time in there, and she would clean while there to allow her to spend more time around the horses and give her something else to do besides just sitting there waiting for skittish horses to calm down.  She was smart enough to know that she needed more than just one to calm down around her, though she was still putting in the work to form a bond with at least one.  In case she was ever in a position where she needed another horse, though, it seemed she wanted the other horses to at least be comfortable with her presence--hence all the time spent in the stables.

If she wasn’t out in the field walking with the mare, then she was inside by the horse’s stall, leaning against the wall or sitting against the door.  Then, at long last, she could be seen walking around side by side with her horse, the lead short and fairly loose.  And after a few days holding a treat into the stall and waiting for the horse to feel comfortable coming up to her to eat it out of her hand, she finally made it /into/ the stall.  Her hard work was paying off, as now she could be found inside the stall, gently brushing the dappled grey mare while she spoke in soft tones to the horse, continuing to build up the trust and bond between the two of them.

As Levi stepped into the stables, he could hear her speaking softly with the mare, her words underlined with each thoughtful brush stroke.

“There we go...that’s a good girl...see, just like I said, nothing to be afraid of.  I know I’m scary, you all remind me every time I come in here, but I’m not going to hurt you.  I don’t want to hurt anyone--I’m just here to help.  See, that feels much better, doesn’t it?  I’m not going to hurt you.  I promise as long as I’m around, nothing’s going to hurt you.  There we go...Steady...Shh…”

Levi’s head turned slightly at the subject of her rambling, his gaze following down the line until he spotted the stall his horse was in, not far from L/N’s horse.

“You don’t mind all my rambling, do you, Zephyr?  It’s nice to talk to someone, even if they’re not going to talk back.  I haven’t had anyone to talk to in…”  She grew quiet, and even the brushing stopped for a moment.  Curious.  “...too long,” she finished, her voice hardly above a whisper.

She seemed to quiet down entirely as Levi risked stepping into the stables, and he realized he had been heard, or at the very least she’d become aware she wasn’t by herself.  Continuing forward casually, Levi turned his head to look into the stable as he passed, spotting L/N with the brush set off to the side and currently working on undoing any tangles in Zephyr’s mane.  Their eyes met for a moment, and Levi paused.

“Will she let you ride her, yet?”

She turned away, the faintest touch of red entering her cheeks at the mention of her trouble with the horses.  “Not yet.  But I don’t think it will be much longer before she does.”

Levi’s gaze swept over the stable, kept immensely clean with fresh straw, water, and food, and the coat on the horse smooth and lustrous.  At this rate, the mare was going to be more of a show horse than a war horse.

“You’re not slacking anywhere else, are you?” Levi asked as his gaze slipped over the pristine stall and back to her.  A stall didn’t get that clean without a lot of constant work.

“No, sir.  This is where I was lacking the most, so it’s getting more of my attention.  But I’m making sure other parts of my training aren’t suffering.”

Well, he’d be the judge of that.  With the way she held up in training, any degree of slipping would be easy to spot.

Levi resumed what he was doing, walking deeper into the stables to check on his horse, which he planned to take for a brief ride to stretch his legs.  “Don’t make a promise you can’t keep,” he added before L/N left his field of vision.  The stable was quiet for a few moments, broken only by the sound of Levi getting his horse ready to go.

So quietly he almost didn’t hear it, Levi got a reply.

“This one I can keep.”

Earlier in the day, Levi had jumped on the chance to get a more personal glimpse at L/N, taking over the cleanliness checks in the barracks, much to everyone else’s dismay.  He was well aware that his standards were far above everyone else’s, but today they were just going to have to deal with it, and step it up.  On the bright side, as he walked down the lines of beds, he was able to see who was terrible at doing a decent cleaning job and who had potential.

He gave criticisms at every bed--dust, missed spots, trying to hide part of the mess under the beds, half-assed jobs, on and on the list went.  When he got to L/N…

Now this was starting to get creepy.

His practiced eye swept over her space as she stood at attention just off to the side, taking in the bed spread smoothed of wrinkles, the dusted and wiped down surfaces, everything tucked away, floor swept and clean in her area--even a little into the surrounding spaces.  There wasn’t anything in the way of personal effects, though--not out in the open, anyway.

It was immaculate.  Up to his standards practically to a T.  It was an unexpected discovery, amongst the many things he thought he’d see.  He thought he might see a personal effect here or there that would give him a bit more on her personality, but there was nothing he could see during a cleanliness inspection.

He’d have to come back later.

Shit, I’m starting to sound like a goddamn stalker.

Carefully, Levi ran a hand on the underside of the bed, the nightstand, anywhere there might be dirt left over, and came away with nothing.

She was the only one he walked by without saying anything, because he had no critiques to give.  He wondered if she was always this clean, or she’d heard he was doing the inspections and pulled off a miracle.

He went back when there was no one around to do a more thorough search, still believing that she might have something that would tip him off a little more.  Frankly, if he continued to find a complete lack of personal effects, that would bolster his suspicions as well, because it signified something to be hidden or something that was trying to be forgotten, or a preparation to run at a moment’s notice.

He didn’t know what he would find, if anything, but if it was another lead, he would take it.

The barracks were currently empty, and he had made sure they’d be empty for a while, choosing the time there was a morning drill going on for the new recruits to sneak in and do some digging.

First he checked the footlocker at the end of her bed, opening it up and carefully shifting through.  Mostly it was made up of uniform clothes, a pair of nice plainclothes, a pair of casual plainclothes, a couple more comfortable workout clothes, a plain black cloak--

His hand paused on the cloak.  It looked like it could be the one being worn by the person he’d pursued and lost that one night.  Not a confirmation, but it was further evidence she was sneaking out at night, even if he hadn’t seen her face.

Finding nothing else suspicious in the footlocker, Levi checked under the bed and found only dress shoes and casual shoes, and then moved onto the nightstand.

Here, he found a book from the library on herbology with a bookmark on custom tea blends, as well as a tin of some of the said tins.  There was quite a bit of chamomile and mint from the whiff he was immediately hit with upon checking inside the tin, with a couple other blends--but mostly the chamomile and mint.  Inside, he also found a tightly bound bundle of white sage in a cloth covering, blank sheets of paper, more writing utensils than he would have expected, and a leather bound folio.  Opening it revealed no official documents missing from her background, no personal letters or intercepted reports.

Inside, it was gorgeous artwork.  Sketches of the horses in various poses of rest or activity, of the scenery around Wall Rose, a sketch of one of the few mansions in the district, and--

Levi paused, eyes widening as he stilled, the silence in the room pressing in on him.  His mind flashed back to just the other day, when he’d seen Zephyr out in the field away from the other horses, laying down and looking contently about, but not moving.  He’d only been able to make out part of L/N through the long grass, leaning against the horse with her knees pulled up, looking lost in something.  He’d assumed it was a book from the distance where he was once more leaning against the wall in the shadows of the stables, or that she was writing something.

Amongst the more recent drawings of the horses, there was a portrait of him, leaning against that wall at the stables, arms crossed, head slightly bowed but eyes centered on the observer, or, in this case, the artist.  Even the shade was accounted for, making the features a little more difficult to make out, but they were still clear and detailed.

She’d seen him well enough at that distance to make out and sketch his features in this detail?  Or had some of it been visualization?

More importantly, it was pretty much confirmation that she knew he was watching her.

Levi closed the folio, putting everything back in its proper place with care, feeling intrusive and out of place now that he’d failed to come up with anything malicious in nature.  There were only a couple things that made him uneasy with the implications, never anything that proved to be outright dangerous, as always.  And he couldn’t exactly say anything about the sketch of himself without her knowing he’d gone through her belongings.

Levi was gone long before the recruits returned to the barracks from their drill.

She’d slipped away from the main group after the next combat training session, hanging back and going a different direction than the rest of the group.  Levi had a brief moment where he thought she might be slipping away to the same place she went at night, and had followed her on the off chance that was the case.

She ended up going to a quiet corner of the Scout headquarters, at a corner of buildings near the forest that no one bothered with.  Once there, she kneeled down, tending to a cluster of plants that was lined up in the familiar form of a small garden.  It was fairly new, too, from what Levi could see, which told him she probably planted them herself not too long ago.  How long had she been working on this little side project?

Just another one of his suspicions turning out to be harmless activity.  He was just about ready to write off his uneasy feeling as paranoia.

He could have just walked off and left her alone, but he lingered, waiting until she finished what she was doing and left before he quietly approached the garden to satiate his own curiosity.

Kneeling down, he realized that the tiny garden was made up of plants, mainly herbs, that could be used in tea making.  There were brushes of mint, chamomile, and lemongrass as the most notable plants, and near the corner where they would get full sun and could help hide the little herb garden there were even three freshly planted bushes, hibiscus, raspberry, and rose, with the flowering bushes meant to support the raspberry in the middle.  The soil was dark and the leaves had beads of water still on them that shined on his thumb after a careful stroke against a leaf to see it healthy and strong, showing that L/N had been by to water them.  They were doing fairly well, from what he could see, even though the plants were too young to harvest anything from.

Was she attempting to grow the materials to make her own tea blends so she wouldn’t have to spend much of her salary on tea?

Standing to leave as that pesky feeling of intrusion started to worm its way back into his mind, Levi caught sight of a small collection of white sage, directly out in the sun and recently planted, but noticeably far away from the other plants.  It was curious, the way it was planted so that it couldn’t be missed and could be easily avoided.  At the same time, though, it could just have been an aggressively growing plant that would take over the other plants if it got too close to them.  While he knew it could also be used in teas, it wasn’t as common...and he’d seen a bundle of the sage spikes tightly bound and covered in her nightstand.

What was so special about it?  Why did she have it?

Levi shook his head, turning to leave and mentally filing the questions about the white sage under “personal questions” instead of “suspicions.”

His suspicions weren’t entirely gone.  While he was getting a stronger sense of her character that caused his doubts about her to waver, he still had some glaring questions he couldn’t ignore that caused his wariness to endure...for now.

ODM gear training--another essential part to life in the Scouts.  At this point in time, it was a chance for officers to get a feel for the skills of the cadets first hand instead of just what it said on paper about their Cadet Corps training.

The trees here were thick, allowing perfect cover for their Titan dummies spread sporadically throughout the woods.  At the highest points in the trees, the officers stood on platforms to observe quietly, moving from platform to platform as needed while the recruits moved through the trees, watching the cadets zip around the forest looking for Titans.

Levi’s eyes, however, were drawn to the fact that Erwin was out here.  He knew for a fact that Erwin had better things to be doing than watching rookies try to hunt down dummies, but for some reason he was always near the same spot Levi was, his gaze fixed complacently in the same area, flickering in disinterest past most of the cadets.  If any of the rookies knew he was here, the word would spread like wildfire, and they might shift their attention to trying their damndest to impress the Commander instead of doing the drill properly.

But there was a gleam in Erwin’s eyes.  He was here for a reason.  Levi just didn’t know what it was, which unsettled him, but didn’t distract him from watching the recruits.

Erwin’s gaze caught Levi’s, and the faintest, unsettling smile appeared on his lips, gone in the next second as his attention was drawn towards an oncoming recruit who was high in the trees, apparently trying the high-ground tactic to spot a Titan before the others.  A terrible approach, really, since it allowed more tree cover for the Titans by adding more branches and foliage below the individual.

Levi started to turn away in disinterest, hearing the sound of another fast-approaching recruit coming towards them.  While the recruit was still in his peripherals, they disengaged the cables, ready to fire them into another tree to make a sharp turn.

Except the cables didn’t deploy.

The recruit let out a shriek and plummeted towards the ground from a dangerous height, gear malfunctioning and not sending out the cables to catch them on their way down.  Levi whipped around, hands flying out to his holstered ODM controls--

--Erwin didn’t look surprised by what was happening--

Someone darted in low and fast.  It was one of the recruits, the one that had already been moving in their direction, and as such, was in the best position to react first.

Of all the people it could have been, it was L/N.

She wasn’t using any gas, her falling momentum casing her to come in low and fast to the ground, cables deploying at the last moment to even out her fall and propel her forward, her back running parallel with the ground as she shot towards the falling cadet.  When she was close enough, she angled herself back up to intercept the recruit, gas propelling her up into the air instead of her momentum.  There was an audible thud and grunt as they collided, L/N’s arm wrapped around the fallen recruit’s midriff as she twisted to fire another cable to bring herself up to safety.

The only problem was that there were two dummies in the direction she was flying, and the training didn’t stop because of a hiccup.

One of the dummies swung down and towards her, on a clear collision course if she didn’t see it and couldn’t react fast enough.  At least now it would hurt like a bitch but it wouldn’t be fatal.

L/N let loose a sudden burst of gas to speed up and rolled so she was facing the ground, back upwards and exposed to the falling dummy.  For a second, he thought she was going to take the brunt of the blow--which would mean death if this had been real.  She pulled herself upright at the last second, sailing right underneath where the dummy titan’s mouth would be, her body twisted out of reach of the dummy, and she kicked off the side of its neck to give herself another boost, cables firing upwards high into the trees and causing her to sore upwards, another brief burst of gas allowing her the momentum to keep her going upwards with the added weight still tucked against her side with one arm.

The second dummy swung out from behind the trees, fast enough to knock someone clean out of the air.  Instead of going under like she did the first time, she twisted again, keeping the recruit in her arms safe from impact.  She arched over him in an upside U, cables firing up and out to bring them safely onto a tree branch.  She set the other recruit down, a hand on their shoulder as she said something to them, checking their gear with them before waving for one of the other officers to come over and get the recruit.  Once the recruit who fell was guaranteed to be alright, she kicked off, doubling back to slice through the Titan dummy napes before disappearing back into the forest.

Levi looked back over at Erwin, able to immediately recognize that gleam in his eyes as Erwin looked out in the direction L/N had taken off towards.  It was the same look Levi saw in the Underground, back when they met.  Ulterior intentions or not, Erwin was going to do his damndest to make sure she was on their side in the end, and speaking from experience, Levi knew it was possible.

Releasing his grip on his ODM controls, Levi’s gaze flickered back over to the recruit that had fallen, that look he’d seen on Erwin’s face moments before it happened flashing through his mind.

I know you can’t guarantee finding the answers to all of your questions in such a short amount of time, but you could at least find out if she will have the back of her fellow scouts on the first expedition.

That had been planned, hadn’t it?  He wanted to test if she had her comrades backs in a moment of danger, and she had responded immediately and without hesitation.  Levi had to trust that there had been some kind of backup plan to make sure that recruit didn’t end up dead--Erwin wouldn’t have done something like that without having someone waiting in the wings in case L/N acted selfishly.

He was sure everyone was impressed after what she’d just pulled off even with someone under her arm, but part of him...wasn’t really surprised.  Then again, Levi was the only one who’d had a first hand taste of how strong she really was.  This was a reassurance that her other training had not slipped while she put so much effort into the horses, and was further confirmation at the asset she could be to them as a member of the Scouts.

Let’s hope she could keep that even head when it was Titan jaws snapping at her and not just wooden figures swinging her way.

He felt absolutely drained.

It was the night before the next expedition, and Levi found himself sitting alone in the mess hall, a cup of steaming tea resting on the table in front of him with his fingertips lingering lightly on the rim of the cup.  Ever since that first night he’d caught L/N sneaking out, he’d been staying up as much as possible to try and catch her sneaking out again.  He was already used to not sleeping much, but even he had his limits.  His eyelids were heavy, and his focus kept slipping, even as he tried to get down a cup of tea to help him sleep more soundly tonight so he would be at his best tomorrow.

He would finally get to see L/N in the field.  Erwin was still planning on keeping her in the formation where Levi would have her in his sights at all time so he could see how she did when it wasn’t training anymore.  Not to mention, he was looking forward to it.

His suspicions had started to die down in the back of his mind, giving way to glowing embers of a curiosity he figured would be satiated with time.  Perhaps that uneasiness in his gut had nothing to do with her trustworthiness, and he had simply been caught off guard by her abilities.  Perhaps the thought of a rookie already able to go toe to toe with him had unnerved him, and that was where the feeling originated.

The more he pried into her as a person, the less of a reason he found to be doubtful of her intentions.  The recruits who’d been in class with her had described her as cold and unsociable, someone up to trouble that was never discovered and far more skilled than she let on.  However, when he observed her and came within proximity to her, she was warm, and careful, and considerate, although he still did not miss the hesitation, the way she was ready to pull away at a moment’s notice and increase the distance once more, the way she seemed to always be holding something back…

But that didn’t mean she was a bad person.  If anything, he was worried about her because she seemed far more empathetic under the surface than she let on.  He’d seen the garden she tended to quietly, seen her artistic hobby, seen how she interacted with her horse Zephyr now that she was able to ride the mare.  Even if she didn’t have any close friends in the Scouts, she was close with that horse, spending most of her free time with Zephyr, brushing her, laying with her in the field while she drew or read, simply walking with her.

She seemed...gentle, at heart.  Before he knew it, he was softening towards her.  How could he see all of that, and not start to let go of his suspicions?  It’s why watching her had suddenly felt intrusive, why this final night he had stopped staring out the window watching for a hooded figure and come into the mess hall to seek tea to help him sleep instead of forcing himself to stay up all night again to keep an eye out for her slipping out into the night.

The silence was comforting, his limbs feeling heavy, head tilting downwards, fingers going limp around the empty cup as he slowly...nodded off…

He was so exhausted...

*Reader’s POV*

Your steps down the darkened halls of the Scout Headquarters were silent, your hood still drawn as you made your way deeper into the stone building.  While your face was still hidden in shadow, your hand did a careful rub around your mouth to be sure that you didn’t have any trace of your meal lingering on your face.

You hadn’t needed to sneak out for another bite, but considering you were going on an expedition tomorrow, you’d decided to play it safe and sneak out again to make sure you were fully satiated.  You needed to be at peak performance, and you needed to make sure your bloodlust was fully satiated in case you found yourself in the middle of a bloodbath.

The last thing you needed was to lose control in front of everyone and feed off of a fellow Scout.  All the pleading and rationalizing in the world wasn’t going to save you from a vengeful blade or banishment in that kind of situation.

Once you were sure there wasn’t any blood on your face, you lowered your hood, quietly making your way into the barracks and retrieving one of your bought chamomile tea bags before slipping away to the mess hall.  The only sounds in the castle was the faint talking of guards at the entrance, the huffs or snickers of the horses in the stables, and the soft breaths and heartbeats of the sleeping scouts that filled Headquarters.

The closer you got to the mess hall, however, the more you could make out a singular heartbeat and soft breathing, the familiar sound of someone fast asleep.

In the mess hall?

Once you were close enough, you managed to catch the faintest scent that immediately told you who was asleep in the mess hall.  That scent had been following you since your sparring match.  It had wafted on the wind from the distance as he watched you from beside the stables or across training grounds, had lingered on your personal effects after you came back from a morning drill, had briefly lingered amongst the perfume of herbs and flowery plants in your little garden, and had cut through your senses the last time you’d snuck out for a bite, informing you that you were being followed long before you heard his breaths and heartbeat.

You’d known Captain Levi was watching you closely, and as such, you’d learned to attune yourself to his scent so you would know when he was nearby.  He was always clean, with traces of tea and mint lingering despite the strong scent of soap, either from cleaning his surroundings or himself.  But there was also the scent of his blood, sometimes unique for people with potent bloodlines, whose blood would be exceptional if you dared to partake.

Of course, Captain Levi, Commander Erwin, any of the Scouts were a hard off limits, so that was never something you were going to give into, never a taste that you would know.  But that didn’t mean you would fail to pick up on the rich aroma his blood gave off.

God forbid his blood was ever spilled in front of you.  That would be a challenge to resist.

Able to tell that he was asleep, you entered the mess hall quietly but without reservations, determined to make your cup of tea even if there was someone else in the room.

He seemed to have fallen asleep at the table, head slumped over into his chest, one arm still lying limply next to a cup of tea that, due to the scent that still had traces in the air, had been meant to help him sleep.  His hair fell carefree into his face, lips parted slightly for his quiet breaths to slip between.

Good.  He’d been looking exhausted recently, and you knew it was because he was keeping such a close eye on you.  It was almost like you couldn’t go anywhere without Levi one step behind you.  The rumors said it was because he was thinking of having you join his squad, but you doubted that was really the reason.  Your suspicion was that he’d grown suspicious of you after your spar, and he was trying to figure out what you were hiding.  If he’d simply been looking to have you on his squad, he wouldn’t have gone poking around your personal effects or been following you whenever you were by yourself.

You didn’t hate him for it--he was just doing his job, and he had every right to be suspicious.  Hell, if his instincts had told him there was something wrong with you, that there was something dangerous about you, they weren’t wrong.  He was right to follow them and poke around.  It was just for your own sake that you hoped you could dodge him until his suspicions disappeared and he could accept you weren’t here out of malice.

You really were here to help.  Your intentions were genuine, even if you had some personal monsters you were trying to keep in the dark.  You just weren’t so sure you could convince them that you weren’t a threat if they were to ever find out what you were.  You didn't even want to think of what Captain Levi’s reaction would be if he ever found out, especially if he found out while armed and in the same room as you.

There were already those who knew about your species, and considered you to be a far more lethal threat to humanity than Titans, one that needed to be expunged indiscriminately.  The fear was always there that if someone discovered you, they would see things that way, that they wouldn’t hesitate to put down a clear threat to humanity.

Shaking the dark thoughts from your mind, you focused on the here and now instead of what ifs that might never come to pass.  Instead, you carefully removed your cloak from around your shoulders and approached Levi quietly and carefully, draping the dark cloth around his body to keep him covered up.

You’d just been outside, so of course you were aware that it wasn’t the warmest night.

You paused just short of lifting your hands, hearing a shift in his heartbeat and breathing that suggested he might wake up.  It figured he would be a light sleeper.  Maybe you should have just left him alone instead of risking waking him up.

Well, either way, it would be more awkward if he woke to you just standing there next to him--if he did wake up.  There was still the chance he would slip back into sleep.

Attempting to stay silent so you wouldn’t disturb him anymore than you already had, you slipped away into the kitchen, going about making your cup of tea as quietly as you could, movements exaggerated with how slow you were going in an attempt not to let the kettle and other dishes rattle.  While you made your tea, you could hear the slightest shift of fabric, hear a pause, his heart rate and breathing back to normal waking pace.

Well, shit.  It looked like you’d managed to wake him up with your act of kindness now gone wrong.  You should have left him alone instead of disturbing his sleep.  And now you were going to have to be social when you left the kitchen.

Well...maybe that was a good thing.  With all this watching from a distance, maybe it would help to put his mind at ease if he was to simply talk to you, just a little.

Though you could also very likely end up headed towards a conversation you weren’t ready to have, one you couldn’t answer even though they were so simple, like ‘where did you come from’ and anything related to family.

You let out a soft sigh as you poured your tea into your cup, resigning yourself to the incoming late night conversation with Captain Levi.

As you walked back into the eating area of the mess hall where Levi had fallen asleep, you could see him sitting up properly again, your cape folded up neatly and sitting on the tabletop with his hand resting thoughtfully in its center, a small frown on his lips.

He looked up when you entered the room, and something flashed in his eyes, gone as soon as it appeared.  It made you uneasy.

Was there blood on your cape?  No, you were certain there wasn’t any blood--you knew what you were doing, and you knew how to eat without spilling any blood or making a mess.  There wasn’t any blood on your cape.  So what was that look for?  Was it just from his suspicions?  Had he figured you had just come back from sneaking out again?

“What are you doing up?” Levi asked bluntly as you approached, teacup in hand

As much as you wanted to turn the question around on him, the one who had fallen asleep in the mess hall, you knew better.  You were trying to stay on his good side, not antagonize him, which was already difficult when the odds were already so stacked against you.

You took a seat, raising the cup slightly as both your hands curled around the hot cup to cradle it in your grasp.  “I was feeling restless, so I came down here to get something to calm my nerves,” you told him honestly, taking a slow sip of tea once you’d finished speaking.

“And you felt the need for a cloak on the way from the barracks to the kitchen?” Levi asked skeptically, eyebrow cocked challengingly.

You shrugged, outwardly unfazed by his question.  “I tried walking it off first.  Didn’t work out like I’d hoped.”

“Are you nervous?”

Your eyes flickered his way, meeting his steady gaze and briefly wondering if he was actually referring to tomorrow, or if that was meant to double as referring to him always watching her, asking if she had a reason to be nervous about it.

“I suppose I should be.  Afraid, even.  But whenever I start to get worried I tell myself whatever happens, happens.  I’ll do what I can, when I can.  If I come back, wonderful, if I don’t...I won’t be going out quietly,” you said, grip tightening slightly around the cup as you stared down at the water colored by the chamomile blend.  “Maybe subconsciously I am nervous, and that’s why I’m restless tonight.”

Levi was fixing you with a hard look at your rather passive answer, eyes probing, reading every muscle twitch looking for a lie or a deeper meaning.  “Aren’t you itching to kill Titans?  Or at least shitting yourself at the chance to go outside the walls?”

“Except I didn’t come to kill Titans, specifically.  Going outside the walls, seeing what’s out there, that’s a bonus.  I came to help.  Whether that means killing Titans, guarding carts, playing messenger or lookout, or mucking out stalls.  As long as I feel like I’m doing something to help.”

Levi leaned back in his seat.  He didn’t look particularly impressed with your attitude.  “Why did you join the Scouts?” he asked bluntly.  “Why not the MPs or the Garrison?”

Images flashed through your mind.  Drunken garrison members stationed in Wall Rose who only sat around gambling, drinking, and ignoring their duties.  Your eyes lifted to the raven-haired man in front of you, and you had the faintest memory pass through your mind of a black haired youth pressed into the ground by Military Police, about to beat the kid to a pulp to teach the Underground gutter rat not to steal, even though it was the only way the kid was going to get something to eat.  Corruption, complacency, and current uselessness in the fight against the Titans, that’s all you thought when you heard Military Police or Garrison Regiment.  You knew it was a harsh viewpoint, and a blanket one that didn’t truly apply to everyone in either branch, but that impression had been made so strongly on you that you couldn’t resolve it, not at this point.

Also, this was a good chance to plant the seed that she really did want to help, that she really was an ally and not an enemy.  Just in case she was found out.

“I wanted to go somewhere I could actually do something, where I could put my skills to good use and do something worthwhile.  I know that’s not the general public feeling about what the Scouts do, but I knew if I went to the Garrison or the MPs, I’d be wasted there.  Complacency isn’t for me.  I knew the Scouts was the best place for me to go if I wanted to do something that could actually help.”

You quieted again, taking another sip from the cup.  Once more, it was true.  If you wanted to use your vampiric abilities to make a difference, the Scouts was the best place for you.  You were tired of existing in shadows, of letting days slip by without making any kind of impact on the world around you.  No more complacency.  You wanted to take action and do something with your abilities other than hunt and eat people.  What better way than to go out and fight the Titans?  They were still a threat to you, you couldn’t regenerate like a Titan, and decapitation from teeth would kill you just as surely as a stake through the heart.  But you had a better chance against the Titans than the average human, and you wanted to use your better chances to give humanity a better opportunity to fight back.  That would make your existence feel...worthwhile.  Instead of parasitic.

Down at the other end of the table, Levi sighed, pushing himself up onto his feet, likely to head back to his room before he fell asleep in the mess hall again.

*Levi’s POV*

Levi wasn’t too enthused by most of her reasoning for joining the Scouts.  He had seen far too many pointless deaths to optimistically say that she wouldn’t die pointlessly in the Scouts.  Hell, she had a higher chance of dying needlessly in the Scouts than anywhere else, especially if she had the wrong attitude going out there.  A hero complex could get her killed just as easily as complacency.  She should be focused on survival, and how casually she spoke about what could happen tomorrow made him uncomfortable.  He’d be more at ease if she was displaying a determination to come back, some kind of fire, a spark.  Instead, it felt like she thought there was something she needed to prove, and he worried it was the wrong priority.

Hopefully, her attitude would change once she saw the hell of the Titans up close.  If not, he wasn’t going to have much hope for her going forward.

Getting to his feet, Levi grabbed his teacup to clean up in his chambers, leaving the cloak folded on the table for her to retrieve when she was finished down here.

“Make sure you come back to tend to those plants.  They’ll die if there’s not someone around to take care of them,” he said in a monotone voice before turning to leave.  He made it almost to the door before she spoke up again.

“Captain Levi?”

He paused, but he didn’t turn or say anything, waiting to hear what she wanted to say.

“Just because I’m not open with everyone, doesn’t mean I’m a threat.  There’s just some parts of myself I would like to keep to myself,” she said softly.  His head twitched to the side at the unexpected comment, catching the sight of her forlorn expression as she gazed down at the cup just in front of her lips.

He didn’t say anything, instead continuing down the hall and disappearing from her immediate sight.  Once he was within the safety of his chambers, a hard glint flashed in his eyes.

The scent of blood and shit unique to one place within the walls lingered on her cloak.

Next Chapter---->

Levi Tags:  @clary-quinn​ @humanitys-hottestsoldier @whalerus​ @sunny-flo​

Wings in the Dark Tags:  @regalillegal​ @animeluver23​ @theshylittleelfgirl​ @queenthorin1​ @dilucs-thighs​ @sociallyanxiousmouse

[lyrabythelake]

Dear Malon

I wrote this short fic a while ago for an LU zine but realised I haven’t posted it anywhere else, so here you go!

Dear Malon,

I can only hope these letters are finding you. Admittedly, I haven’t had much experience with time-travelling postmen before, nor do I know anyone who has, so my faith in his reliability is limited. However, I do like to imagine my words have reached you, that you know I am safe and well and that I am on a wondrous journey with friends by my side. I know how you worry.

It seems like months since I last wrote, though I know it’s been only days. Our ultimate purpose on this quest is still unclear but the boys never lose hope. They fight with a determination unparalleled by anyone I’ve met and every day I become prouder of them still.

Occasionally I am filled with dread at the way they look up to me as their leader. It’s a great honour that they see me that way, but I am terrified I won’t fulfil their expectations of me. I wake in a cold sweat each night, the afterimages of each of them in harm’s way because of my negligence burned into my mind…

“He’s writing again.”

Eight heroes sit under the cherry blossoms in the still afternoon. The trees are in full bloom and the pink petals fall gently into the deeply grassed meadow and the trickling stream, washed away in a rush of fresh silver water.

They look to the ninth at Four’s words, hunched over the paper with his hair falling over his face, shielding him in his concentration towards the words he writes. Petals rest in his hair, on his clothes but their gentle presence doesn’t catch his notice, nor do the other heroes’ muttering only meters away. His sword is within reaching distance, always prepared for an attack, but otherwise he is a picture of peace, one the others dare not disturb for its rareness.

“Where do you think he sends them?” Hyrule asks in innocent curiosity. It is a question -among others- they’ve all asked themselves at one time or another. They have their theories, even discussed them at times when Time himself isn’t around.

“I bet they’re love letters,” Sky muses, his wistful gaze undeterred from the Hero of Time and the scratching of his quill.

“What? No way,” scoffs Wind. He is not quite as versed in love as some of the others, but he is practiced in the art of longing and desire.

Warriors is the first to raise his eyebrows.

“I wouldn’t be so sure.”

“He’s never talked about anyone before,” Wild argues.

“So?” interjects Legend, “not everyone likes to flaunt their love affairs like the Captain.”

“I don’t flaunt anything!”

“The old man keeps his emotions close to his heart,” murmurs Twilight, drawing the attention of them all despite the softness of his words, “Love is beautiful yet fleeting, like the cherry blossoms in spring. He’s right to treasure it and keep it close.”

“Uh oh, the ranch hand’s off again,” snorts Wild and there is a ripple of laughter in response.

“I think it’s nice he has someone to write to,” states Hyrule and the others agree. They’ve all known the wasteland of loneliness at some point in their lives and it has left its scars on them all.

It is a while before Time, lost in a world of his own, puts his quill down and gets to his feet. He folds the paper neatly into four and slips it into the deepest of his pockets, away from prying eyes and ready to hand over to the postman whenever they might see him next.

His thoughts drift and swirl like the blossom petals that fall around him, content and serene with just an ounce of sorrow like that which comes with the ephemerality of spring. The others’ lighthearted chatter dips and bays as he treads along the bank of the rushing stream.

He thinks of his wife, worlds away, and wonders what she is doing. Wonders if he’ll ever get to see her again.

Dear Malon,

This time of year reminds me of you.

It was around this time, many years ago, that I married you with a promise that the worst of my adventures were over. That from then on, my life would be simple, wrapped in safety with the woman I love. I think you knew back then that it was a promise I could never keep. I could run from it forever, but adventure always seems to find me.

This adventure is different to the others I’ve been on. With the boys here each battle comes with a new terror I never felt when fighting on my own, though I am certain I wouldn’t be alive today without them.

The responsibility I feel for them goes beyond just our age difference and the mutual respect we afford one another. I never called myself a hero. That title has been forced upon me despite my assurances that I couldn’t be further from it. I look at Hyrule and Legend sometimes and the others that have suffered, even if not directly, from my hand and feel all their suffering and sorrow tenfold in the form of heavy guilt…

“I think we should go south.”

Legend’s statement is met with confusion from most and narrowed eyes from Time, an expression missed by all but Legend himself.

“Why south?” asks Warriors curiously. Legend is grateful his words are not dismissed immediately. He supposes it’s not often he makes bold suggestions such as this one without proper reason to do so, so it’s bound to draw their attention. He may have the experience, but he has no qualms in leaving the day-to-day leadership and tactics to Time, Twilight and Warriors.

“I have a good feeling about it,” he replies confidently, like the argument he’s giving isn’t totally redundant.

“You have… a good feeling…”

“Yes. It’s not like we have anywhere we particularly need to be.”

“Don’t you think we should go to the castle?” suggests Twilight, prompting a collective look to Time for the final decision. He knows this land best after all.

Time’s frown has become increasingly more pronounced throughout the brief debate, his eyes fixed on Legend suspiciously.

“Let’s go south,” he decides eventually, his gaze not leaving Legend, missing the way Twilight raises his eyebrows but otherwise holds his tongue. As they set off, Time falls into step beside Legend, his gait revealing nothing of the emotions Legend expects he is feeling.

“You had no right to read it,” he says after a while, and his voice is not angry but rather fiercely neutral.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Perhaps I would have believed you if the letter hadn’t mysteriously disappeared from my jacket this morning.”

Legend says nothing. He was sure he had got away with it. His curiosity had momentarily surpassed his guilt long enough to sneak a glance at the heartfelt (and very private) scribbled note before returning it to the old man’s jacket when he was distracted.

It took a simple question to a merchant in the castle town after that to determine the whereabouts of one ‘Lon Lon Ranch’.

Dear Malon, the letter had said, and in his haste to read it, Legend had almost mistaken the scrawled name for someone else’s entirely.

We moved between worlds again last night and the nine of us have found ourselves somewhere very familiar to me. My first thought was to drop any heroic duties and run to you there and then before it struck me how selfish that would be.

You see, homesickness is a perpetual ailment among the boys (and myself) and they have given up so much to embark on this journey with no discernible end. I cannot in good conscience refute that to return to our Lon Lon Ranch. It kills me to do so, particularly as all I can think of is seeing you again…

 The boys are inevitably curious about the purposeful path Time leads them along, but he can’t quite bring himself to answer their inquisitiveness with a succinct answer. He has a one-track mind, all thoughts geared towards the relief of his destination and all other sounds fade into the background to make way for it.

They reach the ranch before nightfall, his companions’ confusion only increasing at the sight of the woman standing outside it. The way he falls into her arms is answer enough; the warmth of her embrace has never felt so inviting.

The others’ voices are a mere echo of disbelief, hilarity and the ending of bets behind him as he focuses on the relief and utter contentment that comes with being home after far too long. The stress of the past weeks, the constant worry for the boys and their respective worlds, melt from him immediately, leaving him as light as a feather.

The Hero of Time has never been one for excessive emotions, but as he clings to the familiarity of his wife, he almost thinks he could cry.

“Did you get them?” he asks, hesitantly, “the letters?”

Her smile is like the sun as she whispers back.

“I treasure every one.”

[passionate-reply]

This week on Great Albums: one of my favourite “hidden gems” of the mid-1980s, Blancmange’s *Mange Tout* is about as extra and in-your-face as it gets, full of dense arrangements, gender-bending bombast, and musical instruments from Southern Asia.

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! This time around, I’ll be taking a look at one of my favourite hidden gems from the mid-1980s, the sophomore LP of Blancmange, entitled Mange Tout.

Despite their relative obscurity today, particularly in comparison to many of their contemporaries, Blancmange weren’t total strangers to the pop charts. Their first full-length LP, 1982’s Happy Families, would yield the biggest hit of their career: “Living on the Ceiling,” which peaked at #7.

Music: “Living on the Ceiling”

While it never got to be a chart-topper, “Living on the Ceiling” is still an unforgettable track in its own ways. Perhaps its most distinctive feature is its use of the traditional Indian instruments, the sitar and tabla. While 80s synth-pop is certainly full of Orientalism, most of the references you’ll find are pointing to the Far East, and the perceived aesthetic sophistication and techno-utopian futurism of China and Japan. Aside from certain works of Bill Nelson, Blancmange were pretty much the only ones engaging with South Asian musical themes. Blancmange’s instrumentalist, Stephen Luscombe, grew up in London’s Southall neighbourhood, which had a high population of immigrants from Southern Asia, which led him to a lifelong interest in Indian music. Combined with electronics, it makes for a totally unique sound, which ends up sounding better in practice than it might in theory.

While any time White European musicians turn to alternative cultures as artistic tools, there’s a valid cause for some degree of criticism and concern, there’s also an artsy, left-field un-hipness about Blancmange, who seemingly drew from Indian music not only alone, but purely for sonic enjoyment. Unlike the exotic fantasies spun by groups like Japan, none of Blancmange’s songs seem propelled by any specific idea or ideology about India, but rather seem to tackle common pop themes of love and heartbreak against a seemingly *non sequitur* musical backdrop. While we, as listeners, might have strong associations with particular sounds, this is ultimately more cultural than innate, and there’s really no reason why a composition with Indian instruments must revolve around some theme of “Indian-ness”; it isn’t like people in India don’t also fall in love. However you feel about these influences, the role of Indian instruments is only increased on Mange Tout, where they appear on multiple tracks, including the album’s most successful single, “Don’t Tel Me.”

Music: “Don’t Tell Me”

On Mange Tout tracks like “Don’t Tell Me,” not only do the instruments return, but so do the session musicians who had performed on “Living on the Ceiling”: Deepak Khazanchi, on sitar, and Pandit Dinesh, on the percussion instruments tabla and madal. “Don’t Tell Me” is a track with a lot of pop appeal, lightweight and singable, which makes it a bit surprising that it was actually the final single released from the album. It certainly impresses me that Blancmange managed to create such bubbly and finely tuned pop, given that neither of their core members came from any formal or technical background: Luscombe had had a history in avant-garde music ensembles, and vocalist Neil Arthur became interested in music via the DIY culture of punk. Their first-ever release, the 1980 EP Irene & Mavis, sounds more like Throbbing Gristle than Culture Club, but they somehow managed to arrive at something quite sweet and palatable in the end. That said, it’s also possible for sweet to eventually become too sweet--and this line is provoked on the album’s divisive second single, “That’s Love, That It Is.”

Music: “That’s Love, That It Is”

In contrast to the lighter “Don’t Tell Me,” “That’s Love, That It Is” is utterly bombastic, with a vicious intensity. The instrumentation and production style is dense to the point of being borderline overwhelming. By this point in his life, Stephen Luscombe had recently discovered that he was gay, and his time spent in nightclubs that catered to the gay community provided another pillar of Blancmange’s signature sound: the influence of the queer disco tradition, which is almost certainly the source of this tightly-packed instrumental arrangement style. Blancmange never seem to be mentioned in the same breath as other stars of queer synth-pop like Bronski Beat, Soft Cell, and the Pet Shop Boys, presumably due to the combination of their overall obscurity and the fact that Luscombe was never the face of their band, but I see no reason not to include them in the same pantheon of camp. Speaking of queerness, it’s also worth noting how Blancmange played with gender, particularly on their cover of “The Day Before You Came.”

Music: “The Day Before You Came”

A solid eight years before Erasure’s iconic Abba-Esque, Blancmange offered their own interpretation of an ABBA classic with “The Day Before You Came.” In their hands, it’s a languid dirge, and a meditation on quotidian miseries for which the titular event seems to offer little respite. The unchanged lyrics, portraying the narrator working in an office and watching soap operas at night, are subtly feminine-coded, but the deep and unmistakably masculine voice of vocalist Neil Arthur seems to muddle those connotations. While it is a cover, I’m tempted to sort it into the same tradition as Soft Cell’s “Bedsitter” and the Pet Shop Boys’ “Left To My Own Devices,” as a work which musically elevates the everyday life of a campily self-obsessed character to the sort of melodrama the narrator perceives it to have.

I’ve spent a lot of time praising the instrumental side of their music so far, but it’s also true that Blancmange wouldn’t be Blancmange without Arthur’s contributions. The presence of his rough and untrained voice, with the added gruffness of a Northern accent, draws a line between these tracks and a typical pop production, and he sells us quite successfully on the gloomy, ominous feeling of tracks like “The Day Before You Came” and the album’s lead single, “Blind Vision.”

Music: “Blind Vision”

On the cover of Mange Tout, we find an assortment of seemingly unrelated items, which form a sort of graphic wunderkammer against a pale beige backdrop. Perhaps the best theme that could be assigned to them is that of travel--we see several means of transportation, such as a boat, a motorbike, and an airplane flying above a map, as well as items that can be taken as symbols of exotic locales, such as a North American cactus, and an elephant and Zulu nguni shield from Africa. Only the harp is clearly evocative of music itself--and this instrument won’t even be found on the album! The album’s title, “Mange Tout,” suggests that we are getting “full” Blancmange, or “all of” Blancmange. Taken together, the cover and title seem to imply that this album is stuffed to the brim, and contains a whole world of musical ideas. I would definitely agree that that’s a major motif of the album: it’s audacious, explosive, and free-wheeling. It very much feels like an album that was put together on the back of a first initial success, with a pumped-up budget and bold creative vision, and hence pulls no punches. Perhaps the most compelling feature of Mange Tout, and the primary reason I recommend this album so highly, is its unbridled enthusiasm for what it’s doing. Even in its ostensibly experimental moments, Mange Tout feels not like an album that is “trying” something, but rather one that boldly and assuredly proclaims the things it does, and embraces a kind of “more is more” maximalism.

In hindsight, it’s easy to see Mange Tout as the creative as well as commercial peak of Blancmange’s career. Their follow-up release, 1985’s Believe You Me, is far from the worst album I’ve ever heard, but it definitely doesn’t feel quite the same as the “classic” Blancmange works, adopting a more middle-of-the-road, radio-friendly synth-pop direction, with less of the South Asian influences and experimentation that really set them apart in the saturated synth-pop landscape. While not a work devoid of merit, Believe You Me was a relative commercial dud, and the duo would split soon after, chiefly citing personal and creative differences--though they did have a brief reunion in the early 2010s.

Music: “Lose Your Love”

My favourite track on Mange Tout is “All Things Are Nice,” which, alongside the neo-doo-wop “See the Train,” would be classed as one of the more experimental tracks on the album. Full of tension, “All Things Are Nice” alternates between eerily whispering vocals from Arthur, and a variety of samples from other media--which was still a relatively cutting-edge technique for the time. “All Things Are Nice” is almost certainly the most conceptual track on the album: as samples discuss world war, and Arthur whispers that “we can’t keep up with it,” the song is probably to be interpreted as a commentary on the runaway nature of technology and so-called “progress” in the modern age. The titular assertion that “all things are nice” seems to be ironic--or perhaps it embodies a sheer love of chaos and unpredictability, for their own sake, which would certainly fit the album’s mood. It also feels like it might be a sort of defense of the album itself: like I said, *Mange Tout* is serving us “all of Blancmange,” and isn’t it fun to get to have all of something? That’s everything for today--as always, thanks for listening!

Music: “All Things Are Nice”